The Daily Constitutional

We own the news

2009-08-27T04:58:00.002+08:00

Teddy Kennedy's dead. On the other hand, I've bought a new couch that I'm enjoying. Enormously.

A Yuletide Thought

2007-12-24T17:06:00.000+08:00

A marvellous letter to USA Today written by Cafe Hayek contributor, Don Boudreaux:

Even more predictable than the post-Thanksgiving appearance of shopping-mall Santas is the inability of pundits at this time of year to say or to write "commercialism" without prefixing to it the word "crass" - as we encounter in your pages today in Tom Krattenmaker's "The real meaning of Christmas."

I challenge this notion. Commerce is peaceful. It involves sellers working hard and taking risks to bring to market goods and services that consumers want to buy. No one forces anyone to do anything; all is voluntary.

What truly is crass is politics - that sorry spectacle of power-seeking ego-maniacs who, when not pronouncing platitudes, are promising to help group A by picking the pockets of group B. While commerce is honest, politics is duplicitous. While commerce is peaceful, politics inevitably pits citizen against citizen. Far more enlightened and ethical behavior is on display during any one day in a shopping mall than the most intrepid observer will find in a century on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Sincerely,
Donald J. Boudreaux

Merry Christmas!

(H/t Samizdata)

Howard's End

2007-11-26T18:54:00.000+08:00

Unsurprisingly, John Howard and his conservative coalition lost Saturday's federal election in Australia heavily. It also looks like Howard will lose his seat - a sitting Prime Minister has only ever lost his seat once in Australian political history. On a personal level, his passing is somewhat of a melancholy event for me. I first started taking a strong interest in politics from the age of about 13. Howard was elected when I was 15, so for many years he has been a political figure of very close scrutiny and interest for me. Thus, the "end of an era" aspect is a little sad, and I think that despite the kind of doublespeak people in his former position often need to talk in order to Keep Everyone Happy - or at least keep the minimum amount of balls in the air - he is quite a decent and humane man. He genuinely had the "common touch"; not in the charming, polished, stage-managed way that impresses the media and the elite. He was less of a "gather a media entourage and head to the nearest working class pub to have a sham beer'n'bellylaugh with some rough men in singlets" type - ringing up a late night radio station talk show after he'd clearly had a few too many beverages was more his style. His uncontrived ordinariness, often verging on folksy, is a rare commodity amongst politicians of his seniority - and it is something I will miss.

Having said all of that, we should not get too sentimental about his defeat. John Howard and his party are no friends of small-government types like myself. Many of his party's major reforms, whilst bearing objectives which most in my camp would consider a step in the right direction, were implemented with a liberally (pardon the pun) spread layer of added regulation. Consider the tax code which, after eleven years of ongoing "reforms", stands as an epic bureaucratic tome defying compliance. Or the recent industrial relations changes, which somehow made a fiendishly complicated system even more so.

Certainly, Howard can accurately claim that Australia became richer and more economically stable whilst he was in office. Nevertheless, he and his team should be remembered as big-government conservatives, and Australia is more prosperous today in spite of his government's efforts, rather than because of them. My only regret is that his successor is likely to be even more meddlesome.

The Evil Empire

2007-08-21T23:37:00.000+08:00

No, not that Evil Empire - the other one!

God, there are some fucking stupid people out there.

(Found on this Samizdata thread)

What Is Wrong With These People?

2007-08-14T12:58:00.000+08:00

It's a segment teaching children not to be cruel to animals, featuring a leading character from the show cruelly manhandling and tormenting animals - whilst the background laughter of children is heard in response to his despicable antics.

The more aspects I see of the society in Gaza, the more I understand the Israeli desire to quarantine it.

(Via LGF)

Obama Unravels

2007-08-03T01:41:00.000+08:00

Fresh from his humbling at the hands of Hillary Clinton and following on from a statement indicating his willingness to invade Pakistan, Barack Obama ladles on credence to the increasingly ubiquitous assertion that he's inexperienced: I think it would be a profound mistake for us to use nuclear weapons in any circumstance...involving civilians. Let me scratch that. There's been no discussion of nuclear weapons. That's not on the table.
Desperately wrong answer to (what should be) a deal-breaking question, Mr Obama. Sure, waving the threat of one's nuclear weapons capacity around like a pair of chopsticks in a cheap Chinese restaurant is not sensible, because it ultimately reduces that capacity's deterrent value - which is the only practical reason why a sane nation would field a nuclear arsenal in this world of other nations who also possess The Bomb. A wise leader does not even refer to his country's nuclear weapons capacity, because the widespread knowledge of that capacity speaks for itself more effectively than any politician could ever hope to.

Conversely, it is sheer lunacy for a US President (or hopeful) to declare that he will never press the button, because such statements completely undermine the deterrent value of these weapons. Mr Obama, if you are not running on a platform of nuclear disarmament, you never take the nuclear option off the table. Ever. You made a most elementary strategic blunder - you are not a suitable candidate for the role of U.S. Commander-in-Chief.

I Can't Read Comments!

2007-07-30T01:07:00.000+08:00

Hello, dear reader(s). I see a few comments accumulating in some of my recent threads. This is really annoying, cos I want to know what you're saying, but I can't read your learned musings due to the fact that Blogspot blogs are inaccessible in China! I'm not sure if I should switch on comment moderation so that I can read comments. What do you think? Leave an answer in comments.

If Global Warming Is Real, It Is Now Inevitable

2007-07-28T16:22:00.000+08:00

I am currently in Beijing, which is up there amongst the most polluted cities in the world. Beijing's summer days are characterised by heavy cloud cover, which traps the unsightly gaseous consequences of China's lightning-fast growth. The sun usually becomes discernable at around 4pm, when a golden-brown orb peers timidly through the haze. Being more acquainted with the brilliant Australian sun, for a split-second I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking at when I first saw its rather diminished Chinese incarnation.

In such circumstances, I have been thinking a lot about the "carbon footprint" of countries in the economic vanguard of the developing world - countries like China and India. Firstly, I should mention that l classify myself as a "global warming skeptic", due to the evangelical, anti-science and frequently absurd rhetoric that typifies global warming activists of all stripes. I am not a complete denialist - I have not written off the theory of anthropogenic global warming entirely. I simply believe there is an awful lot we do not yet know, and it is rash to be making grand predictions about impending weather-related catastrophes, and demanding action based on such flawed predictions. If, however, I was to reconsider my position and embrace the concept of AGW, I would still not champion the Kyoto Protocol or any other effort to reduce carbon dioxide emissions.

The fact is that if AGW is a genuine phenomenon, it is inevitable. There is absolutely no point in the rich world winding back its CO2 output, because China, India and the rest of the developing world will replace any first world CO2 reductions several times over. Despite the occasionally placatory noises about limiting CO2 emissions heard from the likes of the Chinese central government, the fact is that the Chinese, the Indians, the Russians, the Brazilians, nor anyone else from the developing world will ever stymy their nations' opportunity to develop by hobbling their industrial output via significant CO2 emissions controls. Nor are the leaders of these countries likely to do anything to incur the wrath of their citizens by curtailing their perfectly reasonable aspirations to own motorcars, motorcycles, air conditioners and enjoy the convenience of air travel - all enormous direct or indirect sources of CO2 emissions. If significant CO2 reduction could be achieved with minimal economic and social cost, then perhaps the developing world would cooperate. However, large-scale CO2 reduction is an extremely expensive and socially disruptive exercise, and this reality will persist for several decades.

And it is too late to roll back the clock - too many people in the developing world have tasted the fruits of development, and quite legitimately demand more. Those governing the aspirational billions are far more likely to be influenced by them than An Inconvenient Truth. Global CO2 emissions are going to continue to grow for many years, there is no doubt about it. The "global warmenists", as the mighty Tim Blair calls them, need to re-evaluate their positions, because what they propose at present is simply an exercise in developed-world wealth destruction on an epic scale. Those insisting on such a state of affairs appear little short of anti-human luddites, as detractors of the green movement have long asserted. Bjørn Lomborg is spot on - any resources allocated towards the AGW issue should be directed towards researching crisis management and developing an appropriate disaster-relief capacity under the circumstances of rapid climate change, even if only as an insurance policy. And the absolute last thing we in the developed world should be doing is hampering the wealth-creating organs of our societies in a futile effort to cut CO2 emissions. If AGW is truly the looming catastrophe that many predict, we need to be as wealthy as possible to plan and make provisions for its impending consequences, and thus deal with them when they start to unfold.

Gravity Is Not Their Friend

2007-07-25T08:31:00.000+08:00

Iiiiieeeee!!!! My eyes!

(Via a decent blog cursed with perhaps the blogosphere's most moronic commentariat, Little Green Footballs)

Smooth

2007-07-20T17:02:00.001+08:00

.

Now you know how I won this perty lady over.

Can't Believe I Missed This!

2007-07-15T21:01:00.000+08:00

Hilarious:

Love the hippy dude - "I study physical economics (what tha hell is that?-JW), astrophysics and also classical music (!-JW) under Lyndon LaRouche (!!!!!-JW)..." Wow - I'll bet those academic credentials will see all the blue-chip employers throwing open their doors in awe. That young man has a bright future. And we're all aware that Lyndon "Polymath" LaRouche is an ace scientist and economist, but who knew that he's also a musical virtuoso? That man should run for President...

And what's the deal with the first guy? Is he a creationist, what with all that banging on about carbon-14? Yet I thought they aren't down with radio carbon dating 'cos it proves that the earth's older than 5000 years (or thereabouts), which is when they reckon god created it? I'm confused!

Incidentally, I'm now in China and I can no longer view my blog. China blocks the Blogspot domain, which means I might slow the currently hyperactive updating of my site.

Kiss My Free-Speakin' Arse...

2007-06-27T18:01:00.000+08:00

...if anyone reads this post and subsequently feels like killing/injuring/damaging/burning someone (ie. me) or something, that is.

I see many excitable members of the Religion of ~~the Perpetually Pissed Off~~ Peace have taken to burning the effigy of our glorious Head of State in response to Salman Rushdie's recent knighthood. What can I say - I am outraged! I am appalled! Actually, as a ("direct-elect") republican, I couldn't give a crap! Still, I need only the slightest of pretexts to tell these simian arseholes (and their like-minded cousins, boosters and assorted enablers) to eat this:

Yeah, it's kinda juvenile. And no, no one's learnt anything from the above. But it made me smile. And it'll make all the people I love to see pissed off really fucking pissed off, if they get around to watching it. And that's good enough for me.

(Lifted from Gates of Vienna)

Thoughts On The Vietnam War

2007-06-11T23:57:00.000+08:00

When travelling through communist Vietnam, I am continually surprised to discover just how many of my fellow travellers manage to miss the fact that the North conquered the South, preferring the "no wonder they went communist with the bastard Americans stomping on the oppressed masses of Indochina" take on history. I feel pretty confident in saying that most Southerners in 1975 didn't want to labour under the yoke of Northern communism, despite the unpleasantness and gross incompetence of the regime in Saigon - which I believe was the primary factor contributing to the South's defeat, as opposed to the widely-peddled myth of Northern military invincibility.

The North's path to victory was simple - they simply had to expend their resources carefully and dig in for a long war of attrition. In military terms, I don't believe overall Northern strategy and tactical prowess was anything more than mostly competent throughout the conflict. In fact, the two great conventional battles instigated by the North both ended in failure for the Communists. Firstly, consider the Tet Offensive. In this comprehensive rout, the Viet Cong force (the Communist guerillas based in the South) was virtually wiped out. Still, it's a battle that's spun as a great military victory in Vietnam (and throughout much of Western history) today. Needless to say, I haven't met a single Viet who's able to provide an adequate reason as to why, if Tet was such an overwhelming military success, it took a further seven years to conquer the South.

The Easter Offensive conducted by the North in 1972 also ended with Northern strategic objectives stymied - thanks to overwhelming American aerial bombardment of the North, rather than anything the hapless South could manage. It should also be noted that the eventual fall of Saigon in 1975 was a relatively benign affair as far as national coups de grâce go -the North made some pretty minor prods at a few Southern positions in early 1975, which capitulated with surprising haste. Within a few months the rotten edifice in the South had collapsed and was simply ploughed into the ground by the North.

To win the war, the North had to be the most committed combatant - not such a tough ask when your native opponents are led with such breathtaking incompetence, and their foreign allies are subject to the fickle whims of the democratic process and a hostile media. That's how the North conquered the South - not via overwhelming military genius and bravery. They simply had more staying power than the Americans and a vastly more disciplined political and military leadership than their counterparts in Saigon.

Okay, rant over.

Sundry Thoughts On Irrelevant Issues

2007-06-08T12:14:00.000+08:00

So howsabout Vlad the Impaler's latest proposal to avert an American plan to install a missile defence shield in Eastern Europe?

Not a bad gambit by Putin - looks like a sound compromise in theory - however I'm quite sure the Yanks won't bite. The Azerbaijani radar base in question is reportedly a Soviet-era clunker and will require extensive refitting with lots of fancy American gadgetry (that's probably several generations ahead of the best the Russians currently field) if it's to serve the Americans' stated purpose. And if it's going to be jointly run by the US and Russia, I expect the Yanks will baulk at the risk of technology transfer to a nation that could well grow into a role of strategic opponent of the United States.

Still, smart move by Putin. Makes him look like a peacemaker, and an American refusal will easily be portrayed as belligerant obduracy.

Okay, we're now returning you to your scheduled programming - the test pattern. Enjoy!

No, We Aren't Married

2007-05-29T20:51:00.001+08:00

FYI.

The Big News

2007-05-29T20:24:00.000+08:00

For further information, click here.

Hiatus

2007-05-27T23:15:00.000+08:00

As you've probably noticed, I haven't been writing much here. That's because I've been working on something BIG. Earth-shattering, even. Well - it is for me. Details to follow shortly.

Addition To Blog

2007-05-06T11:07:00.000+08:00

As you'll all have noticed, I've added a Pajamas Media Presidential Straw Poll widget to the site. Vote early and vote often! Since I'm sitting around waiting to catch a plane to Hanoi, I may as well toss my two cents into the mixed metaphor.

Namely, WHY THE HELL IS THE STUPID REPUBLICAN BASE GETTING ALL EXCITED ABOUT THIS FRED THOMPSON CHARACTER??? Are the Repubs so desperately sentimental about the halcyon Reagan days that they'll transform any old nobody into a star contender for GOP candidacy - as long as that particular nobody tenuously shadows some elements of the Gipper's bio? Does anyone actually know what Thompson stands for? Yeah, he had a short and unspectacular Senate career. Yes, we know he played a bunch of minor roles in movies and, more recently, had a major part in the TV drama Law & Order. Hey, spose that makes him a sort of Hollywood celebrity! When Reagan was running for presidency, he was a sort of Hollywood celebrity! Thus Thompson = Reagan, right?

Dear lord, you idiots. Ron Paul's your man - not that it'll happen, although according to this he did well in the recent Republican candidates' debate. There's (exceedingly slight) hope yet of a libertarian President in the Whitehouse in 2008.

Funny Asian Brands

2007-05-03T19:47:00.000+08:00

Okay, this is going to be a regular topic on The Daily Constitutional - there's a LOT of rich material to cover!

Goon nappies/diapers - unfortunately, the infant pictured on the front of the box did not look nearly goon-like enough to tempt me to change brands. I'm sticking with Huggies for this trip.

Pacifist ceiling fans - yeah, it says that now but look how sharp those blades are!

Bach Ma bottled water - now this may seem innocuous enough, but take a closer look at the label. "Bottled by T.T. Hue Water Supply and Sewerage Company". Somebody really needs to tell these guys that including the word "sewerage" on any part of a purified water bottle label is not what would traditionally be considered effective marketing.

And there's plenty more where that came from. Standby...

Vietnam

2007-05-01T14:46:00.000+08:00

I love seeing a country for the first time. Usually this takes the form of a glimpse at the ground through the clouds, afforded by the aircraft you're in banks steeply. On this occasion it was neatly demarcated fields interspersed with glinting ponds. Hello, Vietnam.

So I land in Saigon. What's the first thing I buy? A bottle of duty free Armani cologne. Western candyarse. Damn - probably could have bought it more cheaply in Malaysia. Make that a tight Western candyarse! Somewhat embarrassed by such extravagance at the start of what is meant to be a relatively spartan backpacking sojourn, I headed off to the dodgy backpacker district for a bit of self-flagellation in the form of an ugly hook to hang my hat on for the next few days. These sorts of guest houses have been perfectly adequate for my needs in the past, and they're also good for meeting up with other travellers. Not so in Saigon. Here, cheap accommodation tends not to be shared - there are no common areas which makes interaction with one's fellow travellers difficult. This is a pity, because I was quite keen on hitting the town in the evenings but am not so keen on rocking up to clubs on my own. So after traipsing around the obligatory tourist circuit in Saigon (Reunification Palace, absurdly biased "War Remnants" museum etc), I complied with my cardinal travelling rule - if thou is not having fun, it's time to get thy arse outta town.

So off I went to the Mekong Delta. At the bus station in Saigon, I bumped into a Viet student who was keen to practice his English on a captive foreigner. Tung was a nice guy. Turns out we were heading in the same direction - I was heading down to Mytho, gateway city to the Mekong delta, which is also where his family lives. Next thing I know my evening and next day was being organised for me. He called his mother with news that a foreigner would coming to stay for the evening. His mother subsequently called every member of their extended family with the news, and suddenly I had about fifteen meet-and-greet appointments over the next 30 hours or so. This turned out to include his parents (of course), both grandmothers, three aunties and one uncle and their children on his mother's side, two aunties and three uncles on his father's side and several of his friends. None spoke English except Tung. There were a few amusing, if slightly surreal, moments. For some reason, southern Viets go to Mytho to get hitched, and consequently the wedding industry there is big business. Tung's mother and her sisters all own wedding costume hire shops, so I found myself trucked around to various relatives to drink tea and attempt communication, each time surrounded by hundreds of gaudy wedding dresses and monkey suits on hangers. Weird.

The next morning, Tung and I headed off to the nearby town of Ben Tre to meet his father's side of the family. One of his Aunties owns a roadside coffee shop which is also the home of his grandmother. After the tour of the premises and the family meet-and-greet, Tung and I were at a bit of a loose end. It was suggested that a trip to the local karaoke bar might be in order. I must say, singing New York, New York at 9am on a friday morning isn't something I ever saw myself doing, but what the hey.

I wanna wake up in the city that never sleeps...

Yep, sounds like Ben Tre all right. I made several attempts at Elvis and Sinatra numbers. The karaoke machine we used had some software built into it that gave the singer's performance a percentage mark. Amusingly, I cracked the top score for murdering The Lady Is A Tramp, despite ad-libbing most of the melody and having only a vague recollection of the lyrics. After this triumph, it was back to Grandma's for lunch to celebrate. I was assured that she was an excellent cook, which she undoubtably was - I thought the flagship dish (served in a large bowl) would be sweet, but it tasted like a mild curry. It looked exactly like white wrist sweat bands suspended in translucent purple liquid - the principal ingredient was some kinda weird fruit. Anyone who can make something looking like that taste good must be an excellent cook.

Then it was off to visit more rellies and be force-fed everything from coconut milk drank out of a coconut cut from the tree before my eyes, to rice spirit straight out of the still. It was great to see a part of the countryside most foreigners would miss, and naturally I handled this whistlestop tour with unflagging grace, but by the end of the second day on the campaign trail (or so it seemed) with Tung my unflagging grace was, well, starting to flag. On the inside, anyway. So it was quite a relief to be deposited at my hotel to continue on with the journey.

I desperately wanted to boat down the Mekong, but I didn't want to go on a group tour. I asked the hotel receptionist for assistance, and she called up some dude with a boat. That's a good start. I'm interested. Let's go and see this boat. It inspired me to write a song in its honour - I think I'll call it Not Sinking, Sailing. I had a few misgivings about the...erm...riverworthiness of the vessel, but the guy had me when he told me that Westerners never take this kind of boat. Hah! Who's the candyarse now??? Here's proof that I have the lowest standards of you all! Still, those of you who've seen the bathroom at the shared house I used to live in probably are already aware of this fact.

So, after a minor mishap when the boat almost capsized from the wake created by a small boy doing doggy-paddle alongside us, we were off! The guy wasn't kidding about Westerners not taking this route - we stopped at villages along the river where they wouldn't have had Occidentals there since before the Yanks pulled out. Heads turn pretty hard when someone like me wanders into such an overwhelmingly Vietnamese world. Happily, the Vietnamese are very friendly. I went to a roadside bar, and everyone wanted to buy me a drink. Once again, it was nice to see a side of Vietnam that most travellers wouldn't. That evening I had one of those "Thank God I was here" moments. The sun had set and the light was fading fast. We were motoring down the Mekong. The drone from the boat's outboard motor - a curious-looking device employed by many river craft in this part of the world, resembling an extra long whipper-snipper - was starting to grate. I put on my headphones and played the sublime remix of Nina Simone's Feelin' Good, found on the (highly recommended) Verve Remixed compilation. In the far distance, an electrical storm punctuated the twilight horizon. A whole manner of river craft, from small sampans to huge rice barges, slid past - all rendered silent by the aforementioned aural splendour. There and then, the significance of time and place hit me; I was in a small boat sailing down the Mekong, one of the world's great rivers that provides for hundreds of millions. And Mother Nature was putting on some performance. It was a moment I'll never forget.

My boatman (who spoke English) agreed to deposit me on a bus that would take me to the port city of Rach Gia, on the edge of the Gulf of Thailand. This is where I planned to catch a fast boat to Phu Quoc island. He was as good as his word - a bus heading to the ocean was flagged down and my pack and I were crammed into it. Not a problem - I was surrounded by grinning Vietnamese who, despite the fact we clearly didn't share a common language, chattered away at me. I babbled a bunch of nonsensical English back at them - this farce eventually degenerating into a sing-a-long. (I guess they'd got word of my recent triumph at the karaoke bar in Ben Tre.) Vietnamese songs, of course. Not a problem; I improvised the lyrics, causing much hilarity amongst my travel companions. Turned out to be a good way to pass the time - I was soon at my destination, where I booked a ticket booked on the somewhat intimidatingly-named Superdong boat, bound for Phu Quoc.

When arriving at the dock, I have to say that the Superdong looked superdodge. Still, at least it was superfast. A ferry takes eight hours to chug between Rach Gia and Phu Quoc; the Superdong completes the journey in two and a half. It was great to be on Phu Quoc - the island operates at a noticeably more relaxed speed than the relatively relaxed Mekong delta communities. And it's quite beautiful and hilly, in a tropical island-type way. Upon landing, I immediately hired a motorbike and roared off to explore. Most of the island's roads are unsealed and are pretty abysmal in places, and I reckon I must've covered nearly all of them. That poor bike copped a thrashing over the six days I had it. I certainly visited every village. The people outside the major tourist hub of Duong Dong rarely see foreigners, and are incredibly friendly to outsiders. I was constantly smiling, waving and shaking hands with people in the villages - felt as though I was running in 2008. Move your big arse over, Hillary.

And then there're the beaches. These are fine, but not great. They're marred by a fair amount of rubbish that is washed up or simply tossed aside as soon as it's created. I remember one morning, in an atypical fit of environmental zeal, I picked up all the rubbish on the beach belonging to the resort I was staying in - much to the bemusement of my Vietnamese hosts. Crazy Westerners! They were right; the next day, a new sprinkling of garbage had started to accumulate. Talking about atypical behaviour, I also got down to some outdoorsy type stuff that I wouldn't normally do, like snorkeling. My guesthouse lent me a mask with snorkel and some flippers. The mask and snorkel set looked like something the French thought was too crap to take with them when they bailed out of Indochina in 1954, and the flippers were at least two sizes too small. My somewhat unimpressed memory of the event may have been tinged by the inadequate equipment, but perhaps snorkeling sights are not Phu Quoc's forte - hey look! Brown rock...and there! Brown coral! And what have we here? A small silver fish! Swimming near someone's hat! Still, I had fun making ASDIC (anti-submarine warfare sonar) pings, then picking up rocks and pretending to depth charge fish - you know, just like in that movie Das Boot! You know, the sort of thing everyone does when they go snorkeling. After a couple of hours, this became boring and I headed back into shore to finish off the rest of the glue stick I'd started sniffing earlier that day.

After six days or so, I caught the boat back to the mainland, tanned and relaxed. At a restaurant near my hotel I met Toan, another student keen to practice his English on a live subject. I was planning to leave town that night heading for the big smoke, but didn't fancy the prospect of arriving in Saigon at two in the morning, so I decided to delay my passage to the following morning. Toan grabbed this opportunity to show me the town's fancy new shopping centre. I didn't want to buy much beyond a razor, but Toan was very interested in some hideous deodorant spray that's apparently being promoted on high rotation on Vietnamese commercial television. I pretended to like the smell of it (it was truly awful) and bought it, then later gave it to him. After, I bought him a pizza at the centre's restaurant - he hadn't had pizza before. All of this generosity - which set me back about $6 in total - made me the honorary son of Toan's parents. They didn't speak English, but we managed to communicate moderately well using gesticulations and a Vietnamese-English dictionary. Both the mum and the dad tried on their son's new deodorant spray. They wanted me to stay for a couple of days so they could drag me around their extended family, though I politely declined (been there, done that, thanks all the same). Geez, trophy Westerners really mean something here. Still, I compromised somewhat and agreed to leave at midday instead of early morning so I could watch Toan and his mates play a high-stakes game of soccer.

The game, which they won via a penalty shootout, was the penultimate match of the season. If they win the final match, the guys stand to get their mitts on a 400,000 dong (about $30) bounty. Even when split between eight, this is a sizeable amount of money for the average Viet 18 year old. So there was quite a lot riding on the game. I was glad to see that the Vietnamese have their own version of the Little Athletics parent - the sponsor of the tournament (who's gunna cough up the prize money) was out in force. You know those blokes that dress up in designer sports gear for these types of events, but look as though their pulse hasn't crept above resting rate for at least a couple of decades? Well, this guy looked like that. Oh, he also looked like Kim Jong-il. I'm guessing he had a son playing for the team opposing Toan, because he was an absolute menace. At one point he simply jumped on the dirt pitch and started playing for the opposing team, making a most amusing spectacle of himself and openly breaking the rules. At one point, when a player from Toan's team was taking a corner into his goal square, this guy came out and stood right in front of him so he couldn't take the shot. Still, the dad (whose white shorts were by then sporting a brown behind due to the fact he kept falling on his arse - was classic) owned the game and no one said anything. To add to my increasing amusement, during the middle of the match, some old dude on a Harley-Davidson rode up. Now, most people own a scooter in Vietnam; a Harley is an incredible extravagance available only to the rich. Later, I asked Toan who this guy was. Apparently he's a local mob boss. And guess what - he was the spitting image of Mao Zedong! So at this humble backyard soccer game I witnessed Kim Jong-il in designer sports gear incompetently meddling in the match, and Mao - who's apparently reinvented himself as a Harley-riding gangster - spectating. Who would have thought it.

So I took my leave of Toan and his family and headed back to Saigon, where I encountered my first proper accommodation horror story of the journey. I decided to try the "lesser" backpacker district in Saigon. The Lonely Planet guide I've been utilising singled out an establishment called Miss Loi's Guesthouse, but for some reason I had it in my head that the place was called Miss Kim's Guesthouse. I asked someone to take me there, and they dropped me off at a place called Kim Kim's. The room was relatively cheap and passable at a glance, so I took it, dumped my bags and went to out to eat. When I got back at around 10.30, I was padding around the room in my bare feet when I stepped in a pool of liquid in the corner where I'd ventured to recharge my MP3 player. What the hell is that doing there? It got me thinking - that smell in the room which I'd unthinkingly assumed was mustiness characteristic of many cheap lodgings actually has quite a strong urine smell about it. A closer look confirmed that yep, there's a puddle of urine in the corner of the room. And what's that? An - upon cursory examination, what appeared to be unused - condom hanging out of the bin. Nice. Hotel staff were summoned, much heated debate in Vietnamese was exchanged, and the English speaker attempted to explain how a puddle of urine had appeared in my room between the time I first checked in and subsequently arrived back. I didn't understand him, but the room was mopped and I stayed as I couldn't be bothered hunting for another hotel room at what was by then 11pm. Told you earlier about my low standards, right? None of my stuff was missing (it was all locked in my backpack anyway), but I was sure to deadbolt the door from the inside before I went to sleep last night.

Anyway, that's more than enough. I'm getting on a train that's bound for the old imperial capital of Hue in an hour or so. Holy crap, this is a long post - haven't had time to proof it, will do so shortly. In the meantime, apologies for any errors. Soon I'm going to write about my observations of the Vietnamese people. Stay tuned....

Something's In The Works

2007-04-26T12:17:00.000+08:00

I'm about to hatch a holiday update - with photos, assuming I find an internet cafe that is running a modem with a higher baud rate than 2400b/s, which seems to be the standard in this remote part of Vietnam. Standby...

Chinglish

2007-04-01T22:47:00.000+08:00

I've been looking at rental apartments in Beijing. I'm particularly drawn to this dwelling:

a universal city apartment house rents out , 90 puts down rice, one defends one bedroom and one living room, towards south , 6000/ is monthly. High-rise ken is extremely good. Male live in Beijing hinderland , be called the capital apartment house Taoist temple scenery platform , housing estate celebrity aggregation , fad the quiet and tasteful , mature community high-rise elegant , afforesting landscape design , the environment , ken good. Top grade apartment house , brand-new fad home appliance , delicate fitting up, 24 hours of Bao An and thing job manage the elegant community mild and fragrant , the environment is elegant , have transport facilities, convenient , very proper habitancy of shopping, asking and my connection having intention, 65851552 , 13366736670 or E-mail: Dongchena@yahoo.com.cn Mr. Zhang

Apart from having to defend your bedroom and living room - one would think that the aggregation of mature celebrities on the housing estate would demand more rigorous passive security measures - it sounds promising. And here's the clincher - the delicate fitting up and 24 hour Bao An thing job service should come in handy on those long, cold, lonely Beijing nights.

Headline Watch

2007-04-01T20:52:00.000+08:00

Okay, so The Age is generally a pile of journalistic poo posturing as a broadsheet. Still, they come out with some funny headlines every now and again. Recently I mentioned one that ran "Sex dispute ends in tractor rampage". Not bad, though as Caz noted in comments, the story was a complete fizzer. Nevertheless, quality headline. Anyway, here's another corker from the good folks at the Age:

Bogan Kiwi to study headbangers

Nice. Come to think of it, the tractor story took place in New Zealand, too. Not that that means anything, just sayin'...

(from Scott Wickstein)

Getting Ready To Leave

2007-03-29T20:59:00.001+08:00

Does what it says on the tin. No blogging for a while.

No Frickin Idea

2007-03-19T00:10:00.000+08:00

You know those songs with lyrics that are only faintly discernable and thus easily confused?

Recently I heard James Reyne's Hammerhead playing on the radio at work, and boy is it fertile ground for the mondegreen! (Incidentally, mondegreen is an awesome candidate for Word Of The Week, wouldn't you say?) My best guess as to the lyrics of this song's chorus is:

You been hangin with tha noxious feet in a hammock 'ey

Some silk gets ripped by weevils in hammock 'ey

But no, it actually goes a little something like this. Who'd have known?

Seems as though I'm not the only one who misjudges Mr Reyne's barely coherent caterwauling.

UPDATE: see how many mondegreens you can pick out of Hammerhead!

Suddenly Not Hungry

2007-03-18T20:01:00.000+08:00

Howsabout Pauline Hanson's claim that she had an affair with David Oldfield?

All together now - eeeeeeuuuuwww!!!

With that image fresh in my mind, looks like I'll be drinking myself to sleep tonight.

Double-Take Of The Week

2007-03-18T12:14:00.000+08:00

Huh??? Run that by me again....

(lifted from Scott Wickstein's shiny new blog)

UPDATE: an anonymous commenter at Scott's says "I wouldn't be surprised if they lodge an appeal"

Time To Go

2007-03-18T12:06:00.000+08:00

I'm fleeing these fatal shores on the 16th of April, bound for Vietnam. Then I'll backpack through South East Asia for a month or three and finally settle in Beijing, where I'll get work as an English teacher. I plan to be away for at least a couple of years.

In the meantime, I'll be selling all my stuff. Anyone want to buy a car, a none-too-shabby fridge or a ropey old front loader? Or all of the above? If you take the lot off my hands I'll throw in your choice of an iron, a rice cooker or a juicer.

More Self Indulgent Holiday Snaps

2007-03-12T20:45:00.000+08:00

White Lake in Mongolia - that country is the Big Sky specialist. I love this rustic setting, but I reckon it would be a better photo if those gers were on fire or something.

This is the consumer electronics department in Mongolia's poshest department store, the State Department Store - of course. What appears out of place in this shot?
It's about 3am and we're speeding through the Beijing hutongs on the way to my hostel. I'm drunk. That white thing in the lower left hand corner is the shoulder of the rickshaw driver.
That's a big heavy metal pot and a slender Chinese acrobat being held aloft by a woman with Hillary Clinton-esque legs. Hold the phone - is there a hand grasping the lip of that pot? Surely there's not MORE MASS in that already hefty container....?Yes there is! It's a fat Westerner - that is, me! Yep, I was randomly picked out of a huge audience to risk the natural shape of my spine in the pursuit of testing the strength of some freak's legs at this Chinese circus. Of course I went along with it....

Mandatory Viewing

2007-03-11T21:10:00.000+08:00

Im(de?)pressed by a Truth most Inconvenient? My condolences. To commence edification, make an hour-long window in your hectic schedule and run to watch this now.

(picked up from LGF)

Why The Hell Am I Here? I Could Be There

2007-03-11T02:09:00.000+08:00

My hair isn't normally that long.

A Man Can Dream

2007-03-11T00:47:00.000+08:00

Maybe the Yanks will elect this guy:

Money created out of thin air is so evil and wicked. This is how big government is financed.

Freedom works. If you don’t have the nanny state, lo and behold, somebody just might get medical care without the government. It’s already been proven that you can get educated without the government. Our best hospitals are usually associated with the name of a church. Never was a patient turned away. Today it’s harder to get medical care than ever before.

[Economist Ludwig von] Mises told us many years before that it [socialism] would collapse, that communism would not work because it’s fatally flawed...their philosophy was a failed philosophy and was doomed to fail. It’s softer here, but it’s just as seriously flawed.

We have had presidents who have tried to do too much...how can I run for office and say I want to be a weak president? We need a strong president, strong enough to resist the temptation of taking power the President shouldn’t have.

You little beauty! Dr No for President!

Humpf

2007-03-10T01:20:00.001+08:00

Caz asks me where I'm hiding. Leave me alone to wallow in my misery!

Update: Actually, I'm not at all miserable. Just temporarily uninspired.

Euw

2007-02-27T21:59:00.000+08:00

There is this recent witty parody of gender stereotypes, and then there are currently newsworthy (but nonetheless creepy) old men weirding it up in the name of humour - well, that's their excuse for lettin' it all hang loose. What do you make of the following?

(seen on Manolo)

The Unforgivable Crime Of Being American

2007-02-26T17:15:00.000+08:00

Today I visited the consulate of an Asian nation to apply for a tourist visa. When observing the visa application fee, I noticed that those travelling on a U.S. passport must pay almost three times more for a visa to enter this particular country. I believe many other countries impose an extraordinary surcharge for visa applicants travelling as U.S. citizens, too. Talk about American exceptionalism.

Still, I expect Americans are used to this sort of arrangement. When it comes to a whole suite of multilateral projects, the rest of the world expects the American taxpayer to cough up a hugely disproportionate share. When the American taxpayer wants to travel to the rest of the world, they find themselves paying considerably more for an entry visa to many countries as punishment for their poor choice of nationality.

Being a U.S. citizen must rankle at times.

An Instalanche Ain't What It Used To Be

2007-02-26T12:54:00.000+08:00

That is, on the day my Mine Your Own Business review appeared on Instapundit, my stat counter measured an extra fifteen or so unique visitors for the day - the next day, it dropped back to its usual average. Not exactly a massive spike in traffic, eh.

Hopefully this is because the Instapundit hordes didn't need to read the review and went straight to the checkout to buy.

Insufferable Gloating

2007-02-25T11:11:00.000+08:00

Observe and tremble, puny humans! Glenn Reynolds said my review was "good". Ha! Good! Have you ever got a "good" from Glenn Reynolds? Thought not. Outta my way, peasant.

Movie Night

2007-02-24T01:21:00.000+08:00

It must be a good show when a sociologist (who doesn't seem to think his discipline is a by-word for socialism) says

A lot of progressives have stopped believing in progress...and have begun to look nostalgically to the past and have come to reject modern life in many respects and, in a very kind of desperate way, believe that in the good old days when things were small and tangible and when people lived in small villages, everything was all right.

Yah. When asked if those making charitable donations to certain green organisations campaigning to halt industrial-scale development in the third world realise the consequences of their support, this same individual says

Absolutely not, people do this for the best possible motives, but the kids don't realise that by going there and telling them 'this is the way you must live your life', you're actually being fairly coercive; you're imposing upon people a lifestyle that is quite ill-suited to their circumstances, and you end up becoming complicit in an authoritarian world order where one group of people's world-view becomes the dominant one and everyone else's becomes quite secondary. [my emphasis - JW]

Who is this erudite chap? Why, it is Professor Frank Furedi, interviewed on the excellent Mine Your Own Business documentary. This movie has been billed by some as a "right-wing" counterpart to a Michael Moore production, but it comes across as considerably less polemical - and enormously more believable - than the average output from the portly and infamous self-declared son of Flint.

This is a useful film for the liberal cause. I am twenty six, and I have a lot of friends who I would describe as instinctively left-leaning. I have shown the film to some of them. I would like to describe a 'road to Damascus' scene, but there were no Pauls in my audience. Still, several seeds of doubt were planted, and that is a great start - I too was a socialist, but for that seed of doubt planted several years ago. Consequently, I talk to a lot of young people about extending the principle of personal responsibility. I have often thought that the young are natural libertarians - yet, because they are frequently reliant upon the patronage of others for their livelihoods, matters of economics concern them not. Socialism appears affordable and desirable when one pays less than 10% of their income to the tax man. Regardless, I have discovered that it is not so hard to convince a young person of the merits of what is dismissively described as "rugged individualism" by statists - until the environmental question is raised. This is much harder to overcome, because the underlying science is arcane, mastered by few and is thus vulnerable to manipulation. I firmly believe that green politics represents the ultimate bulwark against the adoption of liberal ideals. Therefore I recommend this film. It graphically displays the victims of international green politics - the world's poorest - those that the green movement purports to champion. For this alone, Mine Your Own Business is a useful production. Young people who are socialists are generally well-meaning. They want to help the poorest. Fine - help the poorest the liberal way. Help them via voluntary charity. Decouple the link between the Greens and the poor, because the poor confused Greens are inherently antipathetic towards the plight of the poor, whilst championing them. They are no good to anyone - in fact, they can be positively deadly.

Thus, it is essential that the Greens are denied the ability to become a large 'catch-all' political movement by encroaching meaningfully into the economic arena. Scarily, they have come thus far and we must aim to roll their influence back to saving sequoias and killer whales, because when it comes to economics - that is, the realm of human welfare - Greens are instinctively genocidal. Of course, they will deny this, but ask them about the earth's grave overpopulation problem. Most will concur but not extend this rationale to its logical conclusion because they are good (and misguided) people who would never associate themselves with a cause that overtly demands the slaying of billions. Deduction, fools! Admittedly, the Greens have their consistent advocates. And you thought the Final Solution was a pretty fucking awful idea.

The point is that the Green movement has crept into the mainstream. It urgently needs to be repulsed to the ideological fringes, because it is inherently anti-human. Mine Your Own Business contributes to this process, so it should be supported.

Sissy Snake Thursday

2007-02-22T17:40:00.000+08:00

Fancy being sic'ed by a rabbit.

(Posted on a Tim Blair thread by "Muzzie Zapper". Hrm. Not sure about that moniker.)

The Impossible Tightrope

2007-02-18T23:16:00.000+08:00

I notice some lefties are whiny about people questioning the credibility of Labor shadow cabinet member Peter Garrett. Well, duh. He has been contradicting himself more than a little since entering federal politics. Let us ponder the latest Garrett about-face on US military bases in Australia. Consider the following -

Fact one: Peter Garrett of Midnight Oil had a strong, outspoken opinion that decried American military bases on Australian soil

Fact two: Peter Garrett of the Australian Labor Party tacitly supports his party's approval of the establishment of a new American military base in Australia by refusing to speak out against this policy

Clearly, Garrett's current position contradicts that of his past. Now, of course everyone is allowed to change their mind. However, if someone - and especially an elected official like Garrett - performs such a public about-face, it's perfectly reasonable to insist upon an explanation of the rationale behind that individual's change of heart. If an explanation isn't forthcoming, then it's perfectly reasonable to heavily discount that individual's credibility.

Of course cabinet (and party) solidarity are why Garrett has seemingly changed his point of view, but that's not nearly a good enough explanation for one questioning his character - potentially a political opponent or a voter in his electorate. Both have the ability to make his political life very difficult if they decide against him - and someone like Garrett is an enormously larger target than a career politician or political cleanskin whose views prior to their entering politics are destined to remain largely unknown.

When I heard that Garrett was an ALP candidate, I immediately realised he would have a tough time in federal politics due to his past. A previously outspoken individual - who was obviously aligned with neither the ALP nor the Coalition - was always going to have his past run up against major party prerogatives; that was 100% predictable. He has a few options, all unenviable, in dealing with his prior stances that contradict current ALP policy. Firstly, he could factually explain his shift in thinking. This requires sincerity, and since he hasn't done this, I don't think he's capable of it because he doesn't agree sincerely with ALP policies on issues like American bases and logging. So we can rule out the 'genuine change of heart' option. He'd have exercised this by now if his position on American bases had genuinely shifted from 'no' to 'pro'. Garrett either has to publicly 'sell out' the views he earlier held (which makes him look weak) or be constantly dogged by his past stances, which he won't reconcile with those he ostensibly holds at present. Two deeply unattractive options for an ambitious politician.

I like Midnight Oil. I admire their fervour and uncompromising political attitude, even though I don't agree with them on most issues. So I was disappointed when I discovered Peter Garrett had hitched his wagon to the ALP horse. This damned Garrett in my eyes - it could mean only two things. Garrett has sold out; he's not the hard-principled man we all thought he was, he'll buy power with his flexible opinion. Alternatively, he thinks he can change the ALP from within. Recast it in his mould. But hang on, cries anyone with any political nous, this is the ALP. "One Man Can't Make A Difference" could well be their motto - moreso than any other party, anyway. And anyone who knows anything about Australian politics is aware of this. So Peter Garrett's either a political whore or a political naif. Needless to say, both are bad. And these most deductible shortcomings are becoming more evident as his political profile rises. That's why he's copping it from both sides of the political spectrum. Garrett's supporters shouldn't be surprised about this fact. It was oh-so predictable.

(Link to Club Troppo article from JF Beck)

Young Talent Time

2007-02-18T00:22:00.000+08:00

Kid's got charisma. I know what you're thinking; he's so getting some off that hottie in the bandanna after the shoot's over.

Preposterous Assertion Of The Day

2007-02-14T23:39:00.000+08:00

According to "Ray" in the comments thread of my post immediately below, David Hicks was not captured guarding a Taliban tank.

He was waiting for a cab.

Taxi users - think before you hail! BusHitlerCo wants you for GITMO!

David Hicks: A Living, Breathing Example Of Humane American Values

2007-02-13T11:40:00.000+08:00

According to a most credible compilation of data - my general impression - here are this quarter's enduring hot news topics.

Climate change. Water scarcity. WorkChoices. David Hicks.

They're so hot that a report on even a relatively insignificant development in any one of these unfolding stories is likely to find itself leading a print, radio or television news bulletin.

Certainly, many believe the science that built the overloaded climate change bandwagon is faulty, that the current water scarcity issue is a cyclical matter which will rectify itself given time and the implementation of WorkChoices will be beneficial for the Australian economy.

Of course, the opposing side argues conversely and thus the debate rolls on. Climate change, water scarcity and the effects of WorkChoices are worth debating - and hence genuinely newsworthy items. The public has a strong interest in being made aware of the facts of these matters, so that the debate will continue and hopefully a satisfactory outcome can be achieved. Of course, this relies upon these developments being impartially reported - a necessary luxury we often do without - though that's a topic for another post.

The alert reader will have noticed David Hicks's omission from the above list. What? His plight cannot be overlooked, surely? Many contend that the public should be deeply concerned about the nature of the treatment dished out to Hicks, lest it befall them or their children. That David Hicks is the victim of a grave miscarriage of justice is beyond question for many, and if one accepts this, then certainly his predicament is entirely worthy of the overwhelming media coverage his case receives.

However, I spurn the assumption of David Hicks's victimhood, and thus his case's media notoriety. There are a number of mitigating circumstances that are not being considered when judging the treatment of Hicks. When they - along with Hicks's current status - are pondered, I contend that Hicks is being treated extremely well.

If Hicks was a civilian who had committed a crime in that capacity, then my voice would join those loudly decrying a travesty of justice whereby someone could be held without charge for several years by a foreign nation supposedly bound by the rule of law. However, Hicks was not a civilian. He was a soldier - an Australian-born soldier - fighting under the flag of the Taliban, who were in turn fighting a UN-sponsored coalition force which included Australia. Whether he was actively taking part in a battle when apprehended is irrelevant. He swelled the ranks of an enemy ranged against the forces of his birth country. He is at least a traitor by the conventional definition.

It is also most important to consider that, like all Taliban soldiers, he was not wearing a uniform when captured - he had no identifiable command. This is a very important distinction. If a nation or coalition of nations captures one of its citizens on the battlefield manning the ranks of its opponent and is without identifiable command, it marks that individual as a spy. Up until the recent Afghan campaign, standard operating procedure in these (very rare) circumstances has been that the accused appears before a summary court martial in situ, to face almost certain execution - usually by a military firing squad. Now Hicks was probably not a spy. But it is military convention to assume that fellow countrymen caught behind enemy lines in mufti have been spying for the enemy. Those who think Guantanamo is rough justice should consider how Hicks would have been treated if he were caught by the Allies in similar circumstances in Nazi Germany.

In this context, the Guantanamo Bay facility and the incarceration - as opposed to speedy execution - of David Hicks takes on an entirely new light. Of course, it is not ideal that one should wait five years or more for a trial. But Hicks is not facing an ordinary trial - on the contrary, he is a most unlikely legal pioneer. As mentioned, those of his kind captured in the past were executed in situ. However, the Americans have shunned this rather bloody (but hitherto universally practiced) convention in the case of Hicks, opting to develop an entirely new process to try such extraordinary cases. This is a distinctly tricky task. English common law, the bedrock of the Anglospheric legal systems, evolved over hundreds of years. Compare with the construction of this new justice system for people like Hicks - unsurprisingly still a 'work in progress' after five years. Furthermore, this process - and thus Hicks's pre-trial detention - has been greatly lengthened by (later overturned) judicial obstructions in US civilian courts, filed by those purporting to support Guantanamo inmates like Hicks. Considering these circumstances, is it surprising that it has taken so long for Hicks to come to trial?

Many will wonder why it's necessary to construct this whole new legal edifice to try people like Hicks. Why not subject him to the rigours of a civilian court? Simply, he does not qualify for access to civilian courts because he was not a civilian when he allegedly committed the crimes he's accused of. Hicks was caught on the battlefield as an enemy combatant. He should be tried by the standards of martial law. There is a clear legal distinction between civilian and martial law - a distinction as clear as that of civil and criminal standards of evidence. And this is as it should be; the 'fog of war' means that witnesses of crimes committed on the battlefield are frequently deceased or difficult to locate. When they are available to give evidence, their testimonies are extremely susceptible to cross-examination, because of the confusion of warfare. A civilian criminal court hearing a case like Hicks's would have next to no chance of establishing guilt 'beyond reasonable doubt' due to the extraordinary nature of an active battlefield. Yet crimes are committed in theatres of war - and they should be prosected as effectively as possible. Far greater emphasis must be placed on circumstantial evidence. For example, to be exonerated, Our David would need an extremely good answer to a question like 'Mr Hicks, why were you captured on the wrong side of the frontline, apparently guarding a Taliban tank?'

So, when comparing the treatment of David Hicks to the treatment of individuals caught in similar circumstances in previous wars, one arrives at the conclusion that his imprisonment is a shining example of humane behaviour on the part of the Americans. Those calling for an end to the formulation of military tribunals to try defendants like Hicks should be careful what they wish for. Looking forward, wars will be fought and traitors will be captured by their countrymen or their countrymen's allies. If this attempt by the Americans to try extraordinary defendants like Hicks using a formal military tribunal fails, the ad hoc variant will be reverted to. It's much less messy and such justice would easily pass unnoticed. Is this preferable?

I would argue that it is absolutely not. I value individual human life greatly. I even value the life of an immoral moron like Hicks, who was happy to ingratiate himself with men who think it godly to forbid female education and stone their "wayward" sisters, throw homosexuals off of tall buildings, dynamite the ancient relics of a "heretical" religion and ban music and sport. I'd rather Hicks in GITMO - awaiting what will likely be an imperfect and unprecedented trial - than his blindfolded, bullet-ridden body hidden in an unmarked grave somewhere in Afghanistan.

No! cry the his supporters. The other alternative is to simply let David go free - he has suffered enough. It's quite certain that our American allies would accede to such a request from the Australian government, however if he were to come back to Australia, it is well known that he cannot be charged with any offence. He would not face justice. Hicks's actions in Afghanistan were not illegal under Australian law when he committed them - although they would be if committed today. Consider the recollection of Hicks's activities in Afghanistan as told in this sympathetic 4 Corners piece. The Australian Federal Police interview records Hicks saying

We were under Taliban, basically.

No need to say anything else. It's a fact that, legally speaking, he's in the clear as far as Australian law of 2001 is concerned. Using the common-sense definition, however, he committed treason against the Australian people by his own admission. He was under the command of the Taliban, who were at war with the Australian nation, amongst others. Hicks is escaping Australian justice by getting off on a technicality that represents a fault in Australian law at the time, rather than a lack of wrongdoing on his part - as measured by anyone with a half capacity of sense. So why not let the Americans charge him if they're able to? Yes, I agree that Hicks is being subjected to overly lengthy detention whilst waiting to face the tribunal. Am I worried that someone in Hicks's rather unique position is inconvenienced in such a way? Not overly. There are far more important travesties of justice going on in the world, and the reason his detention is so problematic is precisely because he wasn't subjected to the summary court martial and execution usually meted out to those in his position.

And Hicks certainly does not deserve freedom for a good long spell. Far from being released back into Australian society, Hicks richly deserves just and lengthy punishment if he is found guilty of fighting for the Taliban. In light of the realisation that Hicks might not be a very good man who allied himself with a truly evil regime, some on the Left are starting to wake up to fact that he could well be a bastard. By his own admission, Dave's been a bad, bad boy. Sorry - man. He was 26 at the time of his capture, so the 'wilful naive youth' defence many are attempting to field on his behalf falls somewhat short. That aside, the aforementioned lefties, claim that defending bastards against a lack of due process is one of the least gratifying but most necessary tasks of anyone concerned for the cause of liberty. This is bunk because, as mentioned above, there is no established due process for this kind of case beyond summary court martial and execution in situ.

Not that this fact will matter a tinker's cuss to the supporters of Mr Hicks; but then facts have never stemmed the tide of psuedo-righteousness coming from a Leftist in full Voltairean preach-mode. "He's a bastard but he still has rights" is catching on, however it rings pretty hollow to my cynical ears. Notwithstanding the above-argued fact that his current status is most accurately described as "extralegal", I don't think the Left cares at all about Hicks's crimes against the Australian and Afghani people. I believe they love him because he's a most useful weapon to use against their bitterest political enemies. And the Australian Labor Party can't get enough of Hicks for the same reason - he's becoming increasingly handy as a political wedge. The man is the favoured cause célèbre of the left and the ALP.

Now, I could be completely wrong - perhaps the Left and others aren't using Hicks as a political marionette. Perhaps they are genuinely concerned about a fair process for him. The best way to discover what the Left and others really think of Hicks will be evident when he returns to these shores, and that may not be so far away if the issue continues to gain traction here. If many of those demanding "Justice for David" actually deeply disapprove of his decision to enlist in the military of a fascist, barbaric regime that was also fighting against his own countrymen, I'm assuming a huge 'Welcome Home David' crowd won't assemble at the airport to greet such an immoral individual. And he won't be invited as a guest-of-honour speaker at various Green-Left, anti-globalisation and anti-war rallies around the country, surely. And the book he'll co-write detailing his ordeal and martyrdom will not shoot to the top of the bestseller lists, right? And there'll be no place on the Greens senate ticket for David Hicks; 7th century cult-admirer, supporter of female stoning, Taliban-boosting David Hicks?

We shall see.

Chew On This, Caz

2007-02-09T18:10:00.000+08:00

Prepare for a fresh flurry of indignance from our favourite duck appreciator, because it's Panda Saturday - on Friday!

Admittedly, these little fellas aren't up to chewing much.

It's All About Me

2007-02-06T23:22:00.000+08:00

Every few months or so I greatly enjoy Googling myself. Not that I've an overweening ego to feed. Just, y'know, checkin' the profile 'n all. Am I famous yet? Am I? Am I? Maybe a piece I wrote has been featured on Drudge and I missed it? Worth a look...

Anyway, "James Waterton" (a quite uncommon name) used to turn up seven pages of links on Google. Now it runs to eleven! Soon I'll be taking over the internet!

By the way, my Googling has unearthed this dick called James Waterton who's playing elite rugby or some such trifle in Queensland. He's taking up my bandwidth - my oxygen! That guy better fuckin' watch his back - I'm gunna smash him good when I catch up with him.

Notes On Soy Sauce

2007-02-04T00:18:00.000+08:00

I was lecturing Tim in this comments thread about a chicken recipe I came across recently and shared with my adoring commentariat. And I was rambling on about soy sauce and I thought bugger it, why am I wasting this top quality material in a comment thread - this could be a whole discrete post! Only a blogger knows the feeling. So here it is, folks. What you need to know about soy sauce.

Okay, all right, to be honest, there isn't that much to pass on, but here it is anyway...

*Look at the ingredients list of the soy sauce you're thinking about buying. It should consist of soy beans, water, wheat flour and salt. That's it. If it has some kinda hydrolyzed protein shit in it or any other weirdness, that's the mark of an inferior sauce. Desist. Kikkomans, the most widely-known soy sauce, gets a pass.

*Soy sauce goes stale. Remember this when considering storage options. Once opened, most people leave their soy sauce on the shelf at room temperature. This is not optimal. Storing it in the fridge will keep it fresher (much) longer. Since most Australians require a couple of years to work their way through a bottle of soy sauce, it's gonna be starting to taste pretty shitty after a few months at room temperature. When soy sauce goes stale, it becomes just like salty brown water. It loses complexity. You'll see what I mean if you compare fresh sauce to the shit that's been sitting in your cupboard for the past half decade. Look, just keep the fucker in the fridge and stop quibbling. And replace the bottle after...say...a year.

The end.

Panda Saturday

2007-02-03T13:23:00.000+08:00

Not really the most elegant of beasts, are they?

(from Rafe Champion over at Catallaxy)

Iowahawk Strikes Again

2007-02-03T11:01:00.000+08:00

With a great LOL moment:

According to the Spanish newspaper El Pais, Cuban doctors have performed a number of experimental ass treatments on the 79-year old president-for-life since he first fell ill in July 2006. These treatments have reportedly included cork blockage, cork removal, high-pressure steam cleaning, violent stomach-punches from the Cuban national boxing team, Santaria chicken sacrifice, and mandatory public anti-constipation rallies.

Seeking to reassure citizens that El Jefe remained in control, a photo in Havana's official newspaper last week showed a him relaxing and chatting with visiting Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez while receiving a colonoscopy. This appeared to be administered via an auger bit attached to the rear axle of a 1953 Plymouth.

Classy Guy

2007-02-03T10:37:00.000+08:00

Pious Muslim David Hicks writes to his (female!) friend with a request:

LISTEN, have you got any friends I can fuck [expletive restored] when I get home? They have to be good-looking and I prefer big tits as well. Well, send their photos with the letters so I can check them out ...

You can see why he's the Left's pin-up. Such eloquence.

(From Mr Blair)

Safety Day

2007-01-30T22:56:00.000+08:00

In Australia, the federal government's propaganda tends to condescendingly heckle citizens about various issues that are pretty much always best left to the individual's discretion - not unlike the output from NuLabour's Ministry of Truth - similar beast, albeit with a more sinister bark. So in Britain you get this (probably one of the more egregious examples), and in Australia, this (ditto).

On balance, the naff Australian stuff is the lesser of two evils, but it is still deeply irritating, patronising bilge. Take the abovementioned 'understanding money really pays off' campaign the government is running via billboards and television commercials. Thanks so much for wasting my tax money on delivering that sterling piece of advice - let me just make a note of it on my invisible typewriter. The most wasteful entity in society is telling us to mind our pennies! That is rich - even if we are not.

Still, it is exactly the sort of hypocritical, wealth-destroying enterprise one would expect the government to embark upon. However, it is pretty depressing when your (private sector) employer gets in on the act. I arrived home today to find the company I work for have decided to post me a brochure titled 'Safety At Home'. Apparently "every day is Safety Day - think safety 24/7". It is full of handy tips along the lines of "don't hold any part of your body over a boiling kettle - steam can be hotter than water" and "read labels before use...take notice of cautions and warnings" and "try not to stick your head in the oven when the gas is on but not lit - unless you feel suicidal. If you feel only slightly suicidal, keep reading this brochure and you will want to get it over and done with in no time at all." And in the foreword from our CEO:

We have produced this booklet as a reminder of the simple [really, painfully, embarrassingly simple - JW] things that we can all do outside the workplace to make sure we're thinking safety 24/7 (...) stay safe and keep well.

Where does a nice big steaming hot mug of "fuck the hell off!" flung at your nether regions fit into your Safety at Home recommendations, Mr CEO? And get the hell out of my house while you are at it, you finger-wagging ponce. Shareholders bankroll enough useless expenditure via the taxation system as things are; the corporate nannies are not welcome. Give us our money back.

You Might Have Got The Wrong Guy...

2007-01-29T22:53:00.000+08:00

Who is Charles Johnson of Little Green Footballs referring to when he writes

Unfortunately, Australia has its share of willfully blind multiculturalists as well[?]

Give up? Don't tell me you guessed Philip Ruddock? Smartarse. Australian lefties will be confused to hear that the powerful American RWDB chapter has labelled one of their favourite hate figures a bleeding-heart moral-relativist multi-culti latte-sipper.

For the record, I think that Ruddock is dead right on this one. Iemma, on the contrary, is talking like a stinking fascist.

Attack Of The Killer Balloons

2007-01-28T12:01:00.000+08:00

You know your perspective is getting a little warped* when you start panicking about this kind of thing:

An Israeli promotional campaign involving balloons caused panic among Lebanese civilians Saturday when the wind carried them over the border into southern Lebanon.

The Lebanese media reported that some civilians were hospitalized after inhaling the gas in the balloons.

However, the photographs published on the Web site of Hezbollah’s TV station Al-Manar show green balloons from a promotional campaign for Ha’ir, a Schocken group newspaper.

Lebanese sources said the balloons reached the southern Lebanese cities of Nabatiyeh and Tyre, and the Lebanese army warned civilians not to touch them. Some were brought to Italian UN troops for examination.

Lebanon’s official news agency claimed that they were “poisoned balloons” dispersed by IDF aircraft.

Firstly, Israel fields a military force capable of ensuring hundreds of millions aren't able to drive seven million into the sea. If the Israelis wanted to harm Lebanese citizens, I think they might be able to come up with something a little more effective than poison balloons. Secondly, life must be really shit in Lebanon if people are reduced to seizing errant balloons and inhaling the contents in the vain hope they might contain some psychotropic substance capable of providing respite from the unbearable dreariness of existence. There's gotta be a better way! Can't the French send them some Valium or something?

*Well, you would if your perspective wasn't...um...what's that word I used before? Oh yeah, warped, man.

(From LGF)

Blast From The Past

2007-01-28T02:33:00.000+08:00

Just got an e-mail from someone I met in Beijing in late 2005 - I got on with him particularly well because we share a similarly self-deprecating, absurdist sense of humour. A good bloke - the sort that makes you understand why Aussies and Brits get along so well in spite of the silly state of sporting rivalry that exists between us. Craig was a thirty-something English teacher who had been on the Asia circuit for some time. Stories of his doomed-in-hindsight relationship forays amused me. When we were hanging out in 2005, his current romantic interest spoke no English and they (barely) communicated via the ridiculously inadequate translator installed on their respective mobile phones - think sub-2000 Alta Vista Babelfish - painfully erroneous. They had been out to dinner a couple of times. Boggles the mind, yes. Anyway, today I received an e-mail from him: hey james....hows sunny australia these days? i got this email from kanjing, the girl with the very cute smile at the jade youth hostel. haha, this poor guys trying to chat her up and she goes and forwards the reply to every westerner she knows. ahhh, chinese girls.
He's right - she did have an awfully cute smile and was really quite lovely - in an untouchable sort of way. And he's also right about her forwarding said correspondence to a bunch of vague acquaintances - that's exactly the sort of thing a Chinese girl would do! Gotta love 'em. It's all one big English lesson.

What our amorous charge wrote to his fair damsel - and her response - is somewhat beside the point, but I could not help but note that the English proficiency he demonstrated was not enormously superior to that of our (slightly coherent) Chinese heroine. If I was feeling sympathetic, I would mark it down to the less rigorous standards demanded of e-mail communication. But still...awww...I had such a great time in China! I want to be there now. I laughed a lot. The glorious clash of customs taking place can be quite hilarious.

A Note To The Gents

2007-01-24T22:51:00.000+08:00

Don't be fooled by recent television commercials depicting comely young hetero chaps guzzling that horrendous, barely alcoholic, sweet, creamy, Celtic muck known as Baileys (girl's drink). Fellas, see this for what it is - a shameless attempt to broaden the Baileys (girl's drink) target demographic. It must not work, gentlemen. I don't care how many advertisements are broadcast showing Baileys(girl's drink)-clutching studly guys and their mates in bars catching the eyes of hot women. Baileys (girl's drink) is a girl's drink, and no amount of telemarketing sophistry can alter that fact.

Bile Time pt. II

2007-01-22T21:46:00.000+08:00

What's with those stupid new ABC promos where people sit around talking about how bloody wonderful the ABC is? Goes "There's more to talk about on the ABC". Pheh! Wank! Irredeemable wank! The slogan's bad enough, but the ads are far worse; what with those ditzy women ~~slavering on~~ reminiscing about how marvellously great ABC TV's "formula" has been over the years - yep, they sure have rated consistently. And those tradies sitting on their hairy behinds (get back to work, you lazy pricks! No wonder it takes fucking 10 months to get a bathroom installed!) yarning on and on and fucking on about how hot ABC megastar Myf Warhurst is and how the young tradie wants to date her or have her babies or some old bollocks. GET YOUR HANDS OFF IT, FELLAS! Fine - it's not fair to say that Myf's got a face for radio, but she really ain't all that. And if her personality is anything like her irritating radio persona, I'd be calling for the bill in well under half an hour. Okay, back to the ads. The delivery of these pathetic shills the ABC no doubt hired for half a stale sausage roll each and a few pissy blankets discovered in the derelict office block next to Ultimo HQ makes a Guthy Renker testimonial seem polished and animated in comparison. Good god, that was a long sentence. Anyway, these promos are so unspeakably lame I want to break things whenever they come on.

The end.

Story Told

2007-01-20T15:45:00.000+08:00

In a TV promotion for its upcoming Aussie made productions, the ABC is claiming to be "telling our stories" or some such rubbish. I see one of these productions is dramatising the waterfront crisis industrial standoff that took place in 1997 - or was it 6? - whenever. No doubt that'll get the fair and balanced treatment. Surely it won't be depicting a big nasty profit obsessed company beating up on exploited angelic poor innocent battler workers and their families? Can't imagine something like that being shown on the ABC...

Most Hilarious Headline Ever

2007-01-20T01:04:00.000+08:00

Sex Dispute Ends in Tractor Rampage

(Via Drunkablog, via Tim Blair)

Part Of The Policy Furniture

2007-01-15T22:14:00.000+08:00

Typical. I join a political party, and two seconds later I think it's my god-given right to go shoving my oar into the party's policy platform - insofar as it is possible to shove an oar into a platform. Regardless, I like the general thrust of their Reform 30/30 taxation policy, but I think there's still room for improvement. So I e-mailed the policy's creator - estimable Aussie author, blogger and general spruiker for libertarianism, John Humphreys - with the following screed:

Hi John,

About the taxation policy the LDP's formulated...

Looks good, however I'm thinking that those on very high incomes will find themselves far worse off under the LDP's proposed scheme. I believe that if someone is earning millions a year, taxing 30% of their income is an unreasonable impost - especially considering that the companies they've more than likely created/own are also paying 30% of their profits to the ATO. These very high income people are society's most valuable members. They're far better off under the current taxation system (where they can minimise their tax to a much more reasonable level) than your proposed one, and I submit that such a reality constitutes a considerable flaw in the design of your policy.

My solution:

How about including a cap on payable tax? To continue with the 30/30 theme, why not restrict the amount of tax an individual pays to a maximum of $300 000 per annum? And limit the amount a company can pay to no more than $300 000 000? This addendum to the LDP's taxation policy would see Australia become an extremely attractive relocation destination for high net worth individuals and companies, enriching the country economically and socially. It would probably be revenue-neutral within a few years, too - what with the mass immigration of rich, taxpaying plutocrats and large companies to our shores that such a reform would provoke.

Just a thought...

Yours,
James Waterton

What do you lot think?

My Political Career That Never Was

2007-01-12T23:46:00.000+08:00

I've just joined a political party. You should, too!

One of their noble warriors (yay for the LDP! Where've you been all my life??) rang me today to confirm my membership. That's a lie; he actually rang because I somehow overlooked the 'date of birth' box on the membership form. Strewth! You know when a political party's just getting started - they'll ask someone who demonstrably isn't capable of filling out an application form to run as a senate candidate in the relevant state.

My first response was YES!!!!! but then I realised that I won't be around these climes much longer. So I regretfully declined.

By the way, my earlier post may have implied that my departure from these fatal shores is imminent. It's not - though I wish it were so. No, I'll probably be fleeing Oz mid year. Until then....

Criticism From Readers And Navel Gazing

2007-01-08T02:05:00.000+08:00

Intellectually formidable Catallaxy femme fatale, skepticlawyer, has rightfully chastised me in comments for not keeping my links as up-to-date as my ageing wardrobe. (Note to relevant person/s who may be reading this - always get me a gift voucher over something you think I might look good in. Yes, I realise that's less "personal". Okay - don't buy me clothes as a gift, then! Imagine if I picked clothes out for you to wear. Yes. That's how ridiculous your sartorial selections for me often are. These misguided purchases grace charity bins; not my person.)

Regardless, I don't know what skeptic's whingeing about - I've been accessing the fine Catallaxy blog via my dodgy old link for ages, because the Übermensch there anticipated such haplessness with customary prescience and provided a link to their new site at the URL of their old.

Still, point taken and link updated. Squeaky wheel, grease, etc.

Seamlessly shifting from reader-criticism to self-criticism, my zeal for auto-diagnosis reveals itself forthwith. Why am I so uninspired when it comes to blogging these days? Is it the alcohol? I could cut down - come the new year, I have cut down. Weekends only (except when I'm drinking during the week). Or the caffeine? I only drink coffee when I'm asked out "for coffee" or if I've had a particularly satisfying meal that cannot be denied a ristretto chaser - I don't drink coffee as a coping mechanism for human interaction in the "am" hours anymore. Perhaps these recent lifestyle adjustments will cause the shingles to fall from my mind and thus bloggable considerations will gush forth as readily as, well, the clichés did when I was constructing this sentence. That would be nice.

As an entirely unrelated aside, I recently had a sort-of bigwig in the large organisation I work for sit me down and tell me what a credit I could be to said organisation if I got into its graduate programme. His schtick was familiar 21st Centurese motivationary-speak - casually, genially, avuncularly domineering - "Here's what I want you to do by the end of next week..." Despite an arguably unhealthy self-belief in my critical faculties, I found myself drawn to this man (who barely knows me) and his vision for my future, which only lapsed after he'd breezed out the door to no doubt galvanise some other vessel with the company mettle. Not a bad trick - indentify the promising juniors and intimidate/flatter them into the arms of the company via the personal attention and counsel of vastly senior colleagues. I must remember that one when I have my own business. Luckily, I didn't sign anything.

The point is that up until the early months of 2006 I have always written, argued and thought voraciously. Inspiration was never a problem; an elegant turn-of-phrase never hard to deploy. It is now - I feel barren. And it's not the booze or caffeine or any other drug; I need to leave Perth. Perth is too easy. Having left Perth for more exotic destinations in the past, I now realise that not being in Perth piques my intellectual curiosity like no other. Okay, not being on Easy Street piques my intellectual curiosity like no other, but that's practically the same thing. Perth's a marvellous city to live in, especially if you want an uncomplicated life, but I need to struggle. I need to challenge myself beyond the stultifying rigours of a weekend team-building exercise conducted at some five star hobby farm resort. Yes, I trust you'll catch me if I fall back ramrod-straight into your arms, but how will I fare on the Ropes Course with only my team members to spot me? What a load of wank! I've been offered a very promising career path in one of Australia's biggest and most successful companies. But to be honest, the very thought bores the absolute tits off of me. I'm going to leave Australia and try to make my own way in the New World - Asia.

Ta-ra.

(TBC)

New Year's Resolutions

2007-01-02T22:06:00.000+08:00

I'm going to start playing squash, stop drinking coffee daily and cut the booze out on weeknights.

It's working! Today I didn't drink coffee, tonight I took a squash lesson and I didn't touch a drop. This is a cinch.

Oh, happy new year to anyone reading.

Winning The War On Hare-or

2006-12-21T11:18:00.000+08:00

Oh god, that's perhaps the lamest title I've ever devised. Anyhoo, AP (via LGF) notes a rather disturbing celebratory ritual performed by Iraqi security forces when they recently acquired responsibility for Najaf from the Seppos:

At one point, a small group of elite Iraqi special forces officers wearing dark green T-shirts stepped forward with a live rabbit and ripped it apart with their teeth.

The leader chomped out the animal’s heart with a yell, then passed around the blood-soaked carcass to his comrades, each of whom took a bite. The group also bit the heads off frogs.

Elite Iraqi forces have demonstrated their toughness by chewing on live animals during military ceremonies since the time of Saddam Hussein’s rule.

The Iraqi 101st Vivisectionist Brigade. That'll give the nippers something to aspire to, huh? Remember that frogs have been known to put up quite a struggle. Maybe we should lure these crack croaker assassins to Australia so they can help us out with our cane toad epidemic...

By the way, I'm off to Melbourne for a few days on family - "family" being neither business nor pleasure. Although I wish I was flying business. I only need another 14,000 points for the upgrade.

North Korea's Uniquely Funny Propaganda

2006-12-10T12:31:00.000+08:00

Despite it being a highly sinister state, one of the most notable aspects of the façade North Korea presents to the rest of the world can be found in the unintentionally rich comedic value sincerely dished out by Pyongyang's global network of propagandists. Exhibit A would have to be the depiction of the country's kooky leader, Kim Jong il, who was famously and brilliantly lampooned in the movie Team America: World Police. Further evidence can be found in Samizdata postings on earlier oddball giggles courtesy of North Korea's propaganda machine - review these here and here.

But wait, there's more. A brief glance at recently-discovered Songun blog (looking through the comments threads there, it is quite remarkable how many people do not realise the site is satirical) prompts further amusement at the cack-handedness of the North Korean P.R. people. Did you know that North Korea is planning to host an international rock festival in early-mid 2007? It's true. According to the North Korean English language website, Voice of Korea, ROCK FOR PEACE

will be the 2007 version of Woodstock rock festival in 1969 but in a different location and with a different goal.

Riiiight. And like crazy ol' spontaneous and unregulated Woodstock of 1969, Rock For Peace promises

few restrictions and conditions on participation but any band will be considered even though you are from USA. The lyrics should not contain admirations on war, sex, violence, murder, drug, rape, non-governmental society, imperialism, colonialism, racism, anti-DPRK, and anti-socialism. There are few restrictions and conditions on participation but any band will be considered even though you are from USA. The lyrics should not contain admirations on war, sex, violence, murder, drug, rape, non-governmental society, imperialism, colonialism, racism, anti-DPRK, and anti-socialism.

I am not sure there are any American acts who would satisfy the criteria. Perhaps the Brits could send Rolf Harris, preferably on a one-way passage.

There are, however, indications that the North Korean propaganda machine is starting to come to terms with the concept of producing convincing copy. Displayed at the bottom of the Voice of Korea website is a photo of a few hot and bothered middle-aged Euros posing with a group of male teenage soccer players. Songun (and this Guardian article) quotes the caption of the picture in question as reading

HEY, AMERICANS, YOU SHOULD LEARN A LOT FROM OUR NORWEGIAN FRIENDS WHO ARE HAVING REALLY GOOD TIME WITH NORTH KOREAN YOUNG SCHOOL BOYS.

No doubt to the Norwegians' immense chagrin, a really good time with the boys is no longer being had over at Voice of Korea. They're learning - one step at a time.

Ah, The Innuendo

2006-12-04T23:16:00.000+08:00

I said no more YouTubes, but I'm going through a dry spell, so...yeah...fuck it. Get fit to this...nice biceps. Dang, those models are hot. Open your legs. It's up, squeeze and down, again. Ready for action; hold it up squeeze it up now get it up take it up squeeze it up, don't touch it down, don't bang it down. Slow and gently, put it up...come look at this. She's bringing it up, and she's bringing it down. Nice control, nice control.
Mmmm....anthropomorphic standard poodles. Yet it's all too contrived to be genuinely sexy in the proud Japanese tradition.

(Via Manolo)

Behold, Ye Mighty

2006-12-01T01:14:00.000+08:00

I am coining a new ...what's that word I'm looking for? Crap, I shouldn't drink and blog. I forget everything. Caz can help me out, no doubt. Anyway, in this post Perry de Havilland spoke of nasty coercive envirofascists and declared them to be

[G]reen on the outside, red on the inside.

Yes. A not uncommon breed. Henceforth, these people shall be known as watermelons.

Well worth watching the video from that post that light-heartedly explains the futility of government recycling programmes, too.

Tori Amos Is Smokin'

2006-11-22T01:05:00.000+08:00

Even in her "regrettable" 80s phase. Andrew Sullivan posts a lot of cool clips when he's not compulsively crapping on about gay marriage. Look, I know I said I would cease attempting to pass off YouTube movies as legitimate contributions to the ongoing intellectual struggle for individual rights (which is absolutely what I set out to do when I fired up The Daily Constitutional, yessir), however - dude - it's Tori Amos. Who just so happens to be one of my absolute favourite female musicians. She also rates rather highly in my list of hot older women. Anyway, check her out!

I don't know why Sullivan is writing this clip off as terribly embarrassing* - young Tori Amos in a white negligée, gyrating against a matching baby grand - cringe me not; cold shower me! Not a bad 80s tune, too. Catchy. I don't really know much of Tori pre-Little Earthquakes; haven't heard any of her Y Kant Tori Read synthy stuff, bar this track. Ach, works for me.

*well, actually I do; this kind of hetero eye candy isn't likely to pop Mr Sullivan's clogs.

To The Polls!

2006-11-19T04:09:00.000+08:00

I voted for The Golden Age Of Steam. What do you think?

By the way - and I know this is slightly old hat - RIP the great Milton Friedman. Without your life’s work, there would be considerably less hope in the world today.

In Absentia

2006-11-19T02:43:00.000+08:00

I know I should have concocted a plausible excuse for my lack of posting, but previous attempts at deception have never been particularly convincing, so bugger it. Besides, I don't recall guaranteeing that The Daily Constitutional would be updated daily, despite the rather obvious implication in (what could be construed as*) the title's double entendre. Thank the lord Alan Fels isn't still heading up the ACCC. Be back soon...

Love Jimmy

*the legal department told me to add this bit in.

I'm Inspired

2006-11-11T08:07:00.000+08:00

(Via Andrew Sullivan)

In other news, I sat my last exam yesterday. Hooray! That's it for me and uni! For the moment, anyway... expect to see fewer YouTube posts (?)

Cruise Terminates Oprah '08 Dream

2006-11-08T23:03:00.000+08:00

A Cool Laser Is Not An Aphrodisiac

2006-11-07T20:46:00.000+08:00

This post is provided as a public service to all males of a nerdy disposition.

"Why do I need a laser pointer with a range of 14 miles that can melt a garbage bag? Look, if you have to ask, you'll never understand me, baby..."

says Adam Rogers of Wired Magazine. Uh huh. Okay, I'm making a couple of what I consider to be fairly safe assumptions here. Firstly, Adam is visualising himself talking to a female. Most men don't address each other as "baby". Secondly, the female is a complete stranger. I don't think the sort of guy who would say that is likely to be in a relationship. Naughty, James; that was unnecessarily catty. Anyhoo, Adam's talking about Wicked Laser's range of plastic bag-melting, balloon-popping, cigarette-lighting portable lasers. If I smoked, I might just shell out the US$3499 required to purchase Wicked's top-of-the-line laser that Ground Control could've used to light a moonwalking Neil Armstrong's Marlboro Red, although I'd probably lose it in a club by lending it to some stranger looking for a lighter.

Gotta hand it to Wicked, however - they know their market. Look at the website. Don't you get the feeling that these lasers are so cool and, um, kinda sexy? Adam knows it - in his quote he's dissing some undiscerning broad and will no doubt head into the night to attract a swarm of females, all mesmerised by his balloon-popping antics. Nerds; owning this laser will make you irresistible to women! Why else would you want one? I mean, there's only so many balloons to burst and retinas to render permanently blind.

Before I launch into my principal thesis, a disclosure: I have a lot of time for nerdy types. Many of my friends are sorta nerdy - some more than others. Hell, I'm sorta nerdy. I've generally liked most of the über-nerds I've stumbled across in my social meandering; they're nearly always good-hearted, friendly, generous folk with a brain and a sense of humour. They just spend a bit more than a little too much time talking about their liquid-cooled PCs, remapped WRXs, the latest Mangga releases and what happened during the course of this morning's (4am) World of Warcraft raid.

And here's where male techy nerds get into trouble - I posit that a large number of them believe that talking about and/or fiddling with the techy gadgets they have on their person is a sure-fire way to attract a member of the opposite sex. Observe these guys at an electronics expo - many of them use and demonstrate their computers/gizmos in such a cocky, confident manner; I'm reminded of the way other men prance around in the gym or visibly preen themselves whilst driving along busy cafe/bar strips with their windows down and stereo up. The circumstances are different, the message remains the same - laydeeezzz, look my way!

Now, I'm not saying that there aren't plenty of women who would think that a Wicked Laser that can cut through granite, or perhaps a laptop powered by a nuclear reactor, are totally cool gadgets - there are billions of 'em! However, I don't think an exhaustive demonstration interspersed with a long-winded exposition describing just exactly how cool such devices are is likely to yield a key to the heart (or wherever) of most female candidates. She's unlikely to positively associate the impressiveness of whatever state-of-the-art electronic device you're carrying with "you" - unless it's a signifier of wealth - then you might have a chance, 'cos she could be a vile gold-digging hussy...but that's overcomplicating matters, so I may as well just leave it by the by. These lasers, I feel, are likely to be used by many satisfied (but increasingly frustrated) male owners as props to garner female interest in the subject rather than the object, with predictable results*. Which must strike such nerdy men as deeply unfair, because these kinds of gadgets sure make them feel a bit funny in the pants. How do I know this? Never you mind.

Of course, nerdy guys aren't the only men to utilise what I consider to be totally dunderheaded and uncomprehending tactics in the m/d-ating game. I just happened to stumble over that Wicked Lasers site and thought the relevant individuals needed to be informed of the fact that...owning a Wicked Laser won't get you laid!

*"Why do I need a laser pointer with a range of 14 miles that can melt a garbage bag? Look, if you have to ask, you'll never understand me, baby..."

Come To Australia, Borat

2006-11-07T14:42:00.000+08:00

News.com blogger Evan Maloney is a fan of Sasha Baron Cohen's character, Borat - so much so that he longs for the day when the world's most famous Kazakhi arrives Down Under:

Cohen could have had a field day had he come to Australia instead of America - can you imagine how some of the Howard cronies would have warmed to his unabashed misogyny and racism?

The display of hatred towards an enormous number of ordinary Australians aside, Maloney should be careful what he wishes for. Cohen has a highly-developed (and largely apolitical) nose for sniffing out foaming imbeciles and getting them to expose their idiocy. So let's face facts, Evan; the Australian Left isn't exactly short of these types. Consider the reaction Borat received when he stirred up members of a demonstration protesting fox-hunting. Imagine the response if he got his claws into any number of Webdiarists or someone like Antony Loewenstein? No one makes a tit of themselves like a tightly wound-up-then-released rabid Leftist. Could be the makings of a tactical own-goal.

Anyway, getting back to the flagrant abuse of animals - did anyone have any luck on the GGs?

Sexiest Man In The World?

2006-11-04T05:43:00.001+08:00

Absolutely.

(Via the original and best Manolo)

Skeptical Of Lomborg's Solutions

2006-11-02T22:56:00.000+08:00

Tim Blair links to a critique of the ubiquitous Stern Report, written by Bjørn Lomborg. Perhaps his most damning (and least surprising) criticism of the Report is that it is "unrealistically pessimistic", and considering its wholesale adoption by the Green lobby, I have no doubt that this is true. The article is well worth a read as an antidote to all the hand-wringing the Stern Report's tabling has inspired. However, Lomborg's rejoinder only receives two cheers from me.

Whilst Lomborg's most famous publication - The Skeptical Environmentalist - was enormously refreshing, I found many of his remedies to the world's problems uncomfortable. He really seems to believe that solving these crises is as simple as throwing a pre-determined mega-amount of cash at them - x billion dollars here will provide clean drinking water for those who currently have no access to it, x billion dollars there will defeat malaria. In this latest article of Lomborg's, he ambitiously declares that all of the major problems of the poverty-stricken world can be solved by spending x billion dollars per year, claiming

Spending just a fraction of this figure [$450 billion p.a. to cut carbon emissions, as recommended by Stern - JW] -- $75 billion -- the U.N. estimates that we could solve all the world's major basic problems. We could give everyone clean drinking water, sanitation, basic health care and education right now.

Really? Who is going to disperse this cash, and how? Lomborg doesn't say, but such a project has the State's fingerprints all over it. Only an entity with the coercive power to extract resources from countless others would be able to volunteer a sum like 75 billion dollars year in, year out. Where else could Lomborg expect to get this sort of sustained funding from? Are we talking about government - or a coalition of governments? Of course we are! Surely only governments (or an intergovernmental body like the U.N.) are trustworthy enough to distribute such a volume of resources fairly and efficiently. Only governments would utilise these resources in the single-minded purpose of lightening the burden of the world's poor, unadulterated by the agenda of other forces. An organic, non-governmental response is simply not organised; not holistic enough. Consider how well large-scale state planning has served us this past century or so.

Not buying it?

Well, I think we can all agree that the record of government and the U.N. in the field of aid distribution and poverty alleviation is really quite something. So whilst Lomborg is a useful resource if one is hosing down the wilder claims of the Global Climate Change mullahs, his obvious faith in government action should remind all liberals that he is not one of us. His solutions to the world's problems are ultimately as futile as those proposed by the environmental industry, although Mr Lomborg's are admittedly rather less demanding on the wallets of long-suffering taxpayers.

(Crossposted at Samizdata)

Did You Know...?

2006-10-26T23:41:00.000+08:00

That semi-rigid/non-rigid airships became known as "blimps" due to the noise emanated when one stuck one's finger into the vessel's shell? It's true.

So that's how they came up with "beer gut" - don't try this at home, folks.

Hat tip - Samizdata (naturally).

The Virtues Of Small Government 101

2006-10-21T23:57:00.000+08:00

Got a government-loving leftist/rightist chum? Show them this. Sure, it's old, but haven't the ensuing years borne out Professor Friedman's words with exemplary precision?

I disagree with him on one tangential point - he describes the forces that created the behemoth government models we know today as an intellectual movement primarily originating from Britain "and elsewhere". I believe this to be incorrect - the movement forwarding state economic planning, social coercion and consequently big government emanated from Germany; Otto von Bismarck being its most famous and effective political champion. British liberalism was abandoned in the face of this supposedly more "efficient" model of economic planning, to disastrous effect.

Light Blogging Redux

2006-10-19T12:04:00.000+08:00

Okay, I have returned. However, it's assignment season, and this is about the only time I do any damn work throughout the entire semester.

God, it'll be great when this charade is finally over in a month or so.

Light Blogging

2006-10-11T16:04:00.000+08:00

I am housesitting a non-internetted abode until next Tuesday. You are hereby granted a temporary reprieve from my feeble output. You lucky things.

Socialism's Irony

2006-10-09T09:55:00.000+08:00

Via the excellent India Uncut, I reproduce this shortest - and most revealing - of short stories in its entirety:

Socialism (by Saadat Hasan Manto)

He loaded all his belongings onto a truck and was driving to another town when he was waylaid by a mob. Eyeing the goods greedily, one man said to the other, 'Just look at all that booty he is decamping with.' The owner smiled proudly, 'What you see here is my personal property.'

Some of the men laughed. 'We know.'

There was a yell from the mob, 'Don't let this capitalist get away. He is nothing but a robber with a truck.'

It is a partition-era tale, but still remarkably relevant today - it has been institutionalised and multiplied across society.

speechless

2006-10-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

(Actually, got this one from Manolo, too. He finds all the best YouTube vids)

Political Swooning

2006-10-07T09:03:00.000+08:00

Granted, these days the United States of America has saddled itself with a big ol' government fat enough to set the Founding Fathers spinning in their graves. However, the USA's genesis was so well-considered - such a precise ideological crystal - that it gave rise to the mightiest of nations; enormously prosperous even in the face of the myriad of bureaucratic hindrances witnessed today. I love to reacquaint myself with aspects of this universal, timeless and (in my opinion) optimal design of a nation - the Minutemen inspired this post. Such history is criminally superseded by modern reality, but it nevertheless provides something to work towards.

There is so much in the USA's formative years that is inspirational.

Want To Know What I Look Like?

2006-10-04T21:49:00.000+08:00

No? Tough!

Deer in the headlights.

(Disclosure: I airbrushed a zit)

My Lovely Horse, I Want To Hold You So Tight, I Want To Rub My Fingers Through Your Tail, And Love You All Night

2006-10-03T01:59:00.001+08:00

One of the few comedy series from the 1990s that could make me cry with laughter was Father Ted. However, the 1990s are a distant memory and the sad fact is that as time passes, one forgets the humorous details of such an old production and the whole series indiscriminately gets filed in the "One I'll Be Sure To Tape If They Ever Repeat It At 2am On A Tuesday" mental pigeon-hole. However, thanks to those sporting folk at YouTube, My Lovely Horse rides again! Be sure to watch to the end to see their music video clip.

(Via Manolo)

Parklife

2006-10-02T12:12:00.000+08:00

Today, I'm going to this. Should be a blast.

It Could Be Worse

2006-10-01T16:12:00.000+08:00

At least our politicians aren't pulling craven stunts like the posturing family man David "Dave" Cameron, UK Tory leader. Check out Dave's oh-so-unscripted introductory webcam video; squawking kids, doing the dishes, messy house, talking wank - he's just an ordinary guy!

What a complete pillock.

(Via Samizdata)

Russia Is Fucked

2006-09-30T11:56:00.000+08:00

Declared my recently-returned father, after enthusing over many aspects of Russia's cultural heritage and before waxing lyrical about the beauty of its landscape. He opined that the country appears to be in a sort of collective malaise; birth rates have declined markedly, with terminated pregnancies outnumbering their full-term counterparts significantly. The population is shrinking and the people are scared out of their wits - Dad surmised the latter opinion from his observation that Russian churches appear to be the most highly maintained, furnished and adorned buildings in Russia.

Of course, the fact that Russia is facing a profound demography-related meltdown is unlikely to be news for the average Samizdata reader. One of the more renowned articles written about the deep population crisis facing the modern Russian state was penned by Mark Steyn. It makes for interesting, if not always absolutely convincing, reading. In a piece of analysis that I think is dead wrong, Steyn, citing the precedent of the sale of Russia's North American territories to the United States, asserts that a depopulated Russia will soon enough have its resource-rich Siberian hinterland snatched from it by an envious (and greatly more populous) China - so it may as well benefit from the inevitable and sell Siberia to Beijing. I suspect that if the Russians possessed a plentiful supply of nuclear-tipped ICBMs in 1867 as they do now, Alaska would still be known as 'Russian America' in the Anglophonic world. Tom Clancy-esque Chinese plots against Siberia aside, Steyn is right to be gloomy about Russia's future prospects; whilst her formidable nuclear deterrent should guarantee her borders, it will not secure her birthrate. The Economist recently published an article detailing the depressing facts regarding modern Russia's population. Russia's birthrate is dangerously low, but still comparable to a number of European nations (which certainly does not auger well for them, either). However, the real catastrophe is found in Russia's soaring death rate:

At less than 59, male life expectancy has collapsed in a way otherwise found only in sub-Saharan Africa. It is around five years lower than it was 40 years ago, and 13 years lower than that of Russian women—one of the biggest gaps in the world.

The article goes on to detail a host of lifestyle-induced afflictions and misfortunes that kill Russians off at uniquely high rates, resulting in unparalleled population contraction.

For those concerned with curtailing the influence of government, it is worth pondering how much of the blame for this utter catastrophe can be laid at the feet of Russia's previous political arrangements, ending 1991. Not all, but I suspect an awful lot. Admittedly, most of the health issues responsible for the abysmally low male life expectancy are related to alcoholism, and vodka was around a long time before 1917. However, the Soviets showed they understood the power of hard liquor as political lubricant on a massive scale in Mongolia in the 1970s, when the dissemination of previously rare vodka ensured growing discontent was muted by an alcoholic fog that continues to blight the lives of countless Mongolians today. I find it difficult to believe that vodka was not widely distributed for similar purposes throughout the duration of the Soviet Union.

Of course, the relationship between Russia's unhappy present, Russia's unhappy future and Russia's unhappy communist past is deeply complex; the above example representing a tiny portion of the picture. It is also worth considering the fate of other nations who endured a dalliance with Marxism. Certainly, many of the former members of the Soviet bloc are surging ahead - Estonia and Slovenia spring to mind. Others are not doing too badly on a mish-mash of free-market reforms and Soviet-era controls, like Poland. Then there are the revisionist basketcases like Moldova and Belarus, whose citizens will be immersed in deep Third World poverty for the forseeable future. I believe Brink Lindsey justifies such variation in this quote from his excellent book, Against The Dead Hand:

The creative power of market competition can cover a multitude of policy sins...in developing countries the availability of accelerated catch-up growth allows even badly distorted economies to post impressive numbers for sustained periods of time. And in the rich countries, the lavish abundance generated by private enterprise can support a heavy load of incentive-squelching redistribution.

It is a matter of the degree of economic liberation after being freed from the yoke of the Soviet Union. I think it is fair to state that no nation has benefited because it existed under the aegis of the Soviet Union, however some have benefited in spite of the fact they were under the aegis of the Soviet Union.

However, I can only conclusively comment on nations that I have personally visited and studied.

Firstly, China. A largely unacknowledged victim of Marxism is post-Mao China, whose economic woes - I believe - are pending (as per Mr Lindsey's assertion above). My rationales for such a statement can be found here and here. The cultural losses of Chinese communism need to be considered, too. The will to exercise arbitrary control over others, that indivisible component of the collectivist power structure, drove Mao Zedong to vanquish his political rivals by sweeping them away via a profoundly corrupt and duplicitous "modernity" programme - commonly known as the Cultural Revolution - to be executed by his overly numerous and impressionable young acolytes. A few million people lost their lives as a consequence of this exercise, and an inconceivable amount of the history of humanity was destroyed. To get a feel for how much was lost, it is worth visiting India - or even Thailand - to compare the cultural landscapes of these venerable and long-lived cultures with that of similarly venerable and long-lived China.

Previously I mentioned Mongolia, and previously I wrote about what I think communism did to Mongolia. Earlier in this article, I also discussed the former epicentre of communism - a nation that has barely begun to come to terms with the loss of its ill-afforded superpowerdom - and the demographic horrors it is foisting upon itself. In the face of such history, I cannot help but marvel at the remarkably stultifying, soul-destroying influence of overweening statism and central planning, and how quickly it can despoil an ancient nation and a proud people.

Awesome

2006-09-27T17:32:00.000+08:00

(h/t: the sybaritic Morally Diminished)

Phillip Adams

2006-09-27T15:56:00.002+08:00

Did anyone read the Strewth column in today's Oz? See the bit on Phillip Adams?

Phillip Adams has junked a biography he wrote on Kerry Packer simply because he didn't like it very much..."I decided to can it: it was fairly shithouse," Adams says

My initial reaction was a fervent desire to see Adams cast a similarly discerning eye over all his work, however upon reflection, he has some value. The man's a classic useful idiot. His presence at The Oz prevents the intelligensia from whining too much about anti-Left bias, and the ill-considered, ranty arguments he puts forward in his column serve to remind the rest of us precisely why we rejected Leftism in the first place.

On the tangential issue of anti-Left bias, I don't give a toss about giving "both sides" of politics a fair hearing in a newspaper like The Oz; the Left/Right ideological war ended in the Left's convincing rout some years ago. Consequently, I cannot see why it deserves a seat at the table. The current era's seminal political showdown is the one emerging between those who believe in large-scale government intervention in society and those who don't. Still, there are a large number of people who still believe The Left have a god-given right to be represented to provide "balance". Fine, let it be represented by someone like Phillip Adams. I consider Adams's collected works to be a kind of Sovereign Hill-type museum; a bunch of exhibits to be sifted through, simultaneously provoking wonder at the way we were and immense relief and gratitude that we've moved on.

The Bill

2006-09-26T21:31:00.000+08:00

I used to love The Bill before it went all soap in the mid/late 1990s. I have watched the show for as long as I can remember, and it took several years of denial - sitting through shitty Bill episodes - for me to finally concede that yes, it has indeed gone to shit. However, this realisation prompted a lengthy and continuing lament over the fact that my all-time favourite TV show has fallen from grace, and as a consequence, every now and again I'll watch The Bill in the hope that it might just return to the cherished half-hour-format and black-patent-leather-shoes-walking-the- cobblestones of old. Sadly, on the odd occasions that I've watched it recently, the writers seem to be trying to position it as Britain's answer to Queer As Folk (and yes, I do know that was originally a British production). I mean, could they pack any more gay plots and subtexts into one series? It had simply become a parody of itself.

Tonight, I'm pleased to announce, was a different story. I didn't have any plans and a night in front of the telly seemed a good idea. 8.30 rolls around; maybe it's time to revisitThe Bill? Yes, I think so. And - hooray! - plenty of knocking down front doors, as opposed to knocking up back passages. It was still nowhere near a patch on the old Bill (pardon the pun), but maybe it's improving. I remember reading an interview of the actor who plays Jack Meadows; he said that the writers are going to start recapturing the essence of the early Bill plots - more realistic police work, less personal lives drama rubbish.

I seem to remember reading that several times before. Ah, what the hell. I'm willing to believe again.

What We Don't Hear

2006-09-25T20:42:00.000+08:00

You know the somewhat muted hoo-ha regarding the sexuality of Peter Davis - husband of Kiwi PM Helen Clark - that's lightly gracing the airwaves and washing upon the latter pages of Australian newspapers? It's a smokescreen for a far greater scandal involving the illegal expropriation of taxpayer money to fund the 2005 Labour Party election campaign. Interesting, no?

You Don't Say

2006-09-25T17:06:00.000+08:00

I saw in the media today that a full 70% of people who die before the age of 75 die of avoidable causes. Quite a shocking figure, that. 70%? Cripes, we must be getting sicker!

Hang on. Consider that the average life expectancy of Australians is 80.5 years. Below that figure, the younger someone is at the point of death, the more likely they are to have died from an avoidable cause. I would also assert that classifying many causes of death as "avoidable" is a deeply problematic task. For example, is the death of a 50 year old non-drinking, non-smoking, exercising and healthy-eating prostate cancer-afflicted male considered "avoidable"?

Without further qualifications, this is just another "move along, nothing to see here" story masquerading as a deep national health crisis.

Of Great Concern

2006-09-24T15:10:00.000+08:00

What shall I have for lunch?

The Most Ill-Considered Banking Product Ever Devised

2006-09-23T04:01:00.000+08:00

Is a credit card. But James, I hear you cry, the availability of capital credit supercharged Western civilisation's development through the Renaissance and beyond, and a credit card is an instrument of a developed credit market - arguably the most socially beneficial institution we possess! Have you gone quite mad?

No, dear reader, just clumsy; I meant to write that the most ill-considered banking product ever devised is this credit card. It is a National Australia Bank (NAB) Visa Mini - confoundingly counter-intuitively, this card's most notable feature is that it's about half the size of a conventional credit card. Apparently this distinction alone will irresistibly and relentlessly reel in the target demographic - fashion conscious twenty-somethings (I think that might include me!) - but NAB has other slick devices in store to simultaneously deliver a KO in the coolness heavyweight championship of the banking world whilst obfuscating the somewhat steep interest rate levied on any transactions billed.

So let us dive in to this treasure-trove of modé. Before our young charges sally forth and actually use their Visa Mini cards to - you know - buy stuff, they need to know that The Bank wants them to be creative and flamboyant in the way they carry their card on their person, so it has thoughtfully provided some accessories to give each trendy young Visa Mini cardholder a dash of inspiration. Why not hang your Visa Mini on your mobile phone using the purpose-built attachment, o budding sophisticate? Does it look cool, and it is also great for the person who finds your misplaced Nokia; if they exhaust your mobile credit telephoning Siberian astrologers, they'll be thanking their lucky stars because instant replenishment is quite literally on hand! Now that is convenience. Of course, NAB's not saying we should trade the security for the superfabulous - ho ho, quite the opposite! Just read the small print on the "accessories" page (linked above):

Remember, you have to look after your Visa Mini Card and companion card as you would cash. So the best place to wear them is up close and personal.

Yes, yes, excellent advice. The long strap should come in handy for that. See? And where would we be without a safety clip? Silly question. For the truly elite - the style aristocracy - why not subtly incorporate the Visa Mini into a piece of bespoke jewellery, like so? Yes, it probably would require less effort to don a prominent sign displaying "ROB ME" painted in large flourescent letters and then wander down the darkest, dodgiest backstreet alley in an effort to discover a smackhead suffering profound withdrawal symptoms so you can shove your Visa Mini between his chattering teeth. But that's simply not how they do it in Europe, philistine. So, point made and henceforth disregarding your obvious shortcomings, I'm sure by now your head is no doubt spinning with credit card couture-related possibilities. Yet do try to keep up, because what if I threw a choice of "five must-have metallic colours" into the mix? Yes, you heard the man - he said "must-have". So that'll be five Visa Minis for you, sir? Madam? Thought so - the experienced eye can always pick the slave to fashion!

Hang on a tick, says the Voice of Reason, this financial superstyling is all well and good, but what if the cardholder wishes to transact via an automatic teller machine or a manual imprint device or a vertical-loading swiper unsuited to such generation-NEXT Mini cards? Oh ye of little faith, those clever folk at NAB and Visa are one step ahead of the likes of you and I. If you are one of the select fashionistas who manages to successfully obtain a Visa Mini card, you will also receive a Visa Mini Companion Card, known in-house as Visa non-Mini Mini, which financially functions identically to your Mini card as it is linked to the same credit account. Instantly, it should be obvious to all that the inclusion of this extra card represents rare value - two cards from just one application! - but do not neglect to observe that the Companion Card has also been ingeniously designed to share the exact same dimensions of a conventional bank card! This comes in handy if you are ever concerned that your cute Visa Mini card might get shredded by one of those aforementioned dashed démodé (and rather expensively repaired) Mini munching machines. Or forever lost in a hopelessly antiquated, outsized wallet (this will not be a problem in the future, for wallets will shrink in lockstep with credit cards, which will in turn shrink in counter-lockstep to the increasing speed of CPUs. It's my rule). Sure, the Companion Card cannot be trendily worn dangling from a hog-style nose piercing like its Mini brother - in fact, Visa and NAB expressly forbid such inappropriate displaying of the Companion - but its "re-optimised" size does allow it to fit snugly into the card pockets of most purses and wallets. Now that's thoughtful design.

Okay, let me come clean. I believe the Visa Mini concept is rather less clever than the glowing words above might suggest. The more perceptive may even have detected a touch of cynicism creeping into the latter half of this post. Perhaps I am wrong to criticise - the virtues of this particular credit card might well have escaped my puny comprehension - so in the spirit of justice I will consult that estimable arbiter of financial products, The Hindu Business Line, to give its opinion on an Indian bank's version of the Mini:

ICICI Bank's Visa Mini Card is almost half the size of a normal credit card and, thus, handy.

There's not much I can say in the face of such irrefutable logic - evidently the press pundits are mad about the Mini. However, in a demand-driven market, surely the customer deserves the final word. Wheel in amateur product reviewer Caroline Liang who really throws egg in the face of my scepticism:

The good: I love this card. The annual fee I'm paying now is only 19 bux. Being female I like all the little things and it was throughtful of NAB to give me accesories with my card like a safety clip, a long strap, phone attachment and a card cover. The phone attachment is useful for all those people who lose their cards but dont lose their phones(LOL)

The bad: nothing yet-only if they rase the rates

Overall: Love the card-its joined my collection of credit cards....

If NAB is "throughtful" it's because NAB loves you like it loves few others, Ms Liang. Cha-ching times one.

(Crossposted on Samizdata)

ABC On Strike

2006-09-21T12:48:00.002+08:00

Or something. All I know is that Triple J was broadcasting a steady flow of music interspersed with a recorded message saying "due to factors beyond our control, normal programming has ceased" etc etc. So much better than usual. I'm assuming the useless bastards are on strike. For more pay? They don't deserve it! How much better was the Morning Show today without that self-obsessed crank Mel Bampton blathering on about what she thinks of this song or that band? Nobody cares what you think, Mel! Nobody apart from the other turdish JJJ DJs, who worship her constantly on their own sorry shows. Let's face it, all the JJJ presenters suck the balls. They're unfunny, boring windbags, the lot of them. It wasn't always like this - I enjoyed Mikey Robbins's and Helen Razer's show. Judith Lucy and Helen Razer made a fine pair, as did Merrick and Rosso. Stick a fork in the others, however. And what's with the drooling moron listeners who telephone in? That request thing in the evenings - what's with that? "You're listening to Rosie on Super Request and I'm talking to Sharon from Broken Hill. What are you doing tonight, Sharon?" "Well, Rosie, I'm having a party." "Do you like Jatz biscuits?" "Yes I do, but I think I prefer Saos." "Wow." "Look! A cat!" YAWN!! JUST PLAY THE DAFT BINT'S SONG, ROSIE!

When these people go on strike we realise how much we don't need them. They are an ugly boil on the arse of this country's government edifice. Don't give them any more money!

/rant

Last Night's Wine Wank-a-thon

2006-09-21T11:45:00.000+08:00

I got very drunk last night, thanks to the excellent Negociants/Samuel Smith & Son trade show I attended. They have a great (and massive, hence my intoxication) portfolio. Here's what I liked (in no particular order):

O'Leary Walker Cab Sauv
Wirra Wirra Sauv Blanc
Giesen Single Vineyard Sauv Blanc
Pewsey Vale Contours Riesling (the standard Pewsey Vale Riesling was awesome, too)
Yalumba Hand-Picked Shiraz Viognier (not a favourite blend of mine, but this was very good)
Yalumba Hand-Picked Tempranillo blend
Yalumba Eden Valley Viognier
Jansz sparkling Rose
Pol Roger Vintage (duh!)
Georges Duboeuf Beaujolais

There was also a Chardonnay I tried (at the end of the night) that I thought was a corker, but all I can remember about it was its vintage - 2005. Be sure to look out for that one.

The thing that shits me about these evenings is all the wine wank that accompanies them. Ok, I confess - I used to indulge in such behaviour quite a lot. These days, however, I'm less keen to crap on ad nauseum about the wine I'm drinking with my companions. Why would they care what I think about my wine beyond cursory praise or admonition? I certainly don't give a shit if someone else's pinot is earthy or strawberry-ish. If a whole lot of characters are jumping out at me, I may well say "that's a complex wine". If I'm drinking a cassis-y, minty cabernet sauvignon, I might even remark that the wine has good varietal character. BUT THAT'S WHERE IT MUST END! Anything more than that is wine-wank.

And what's the point of talking out every little nuance of a wine? What I get from a wine is guaranteed to be different to everyone else. Taste perception varies wildly - even at the basic level of sweetness/saltiness, so imagine the differences at the level of picking subtle characters out of vino. Hence, whatever opinion I express regarding a wine's character is completely unfalsifiable; people can only suspect you're talking shit if what you say is wildly different to what they're getting, or if it deviates too far from the known traits of a varietal or style. And even then, they're technically unjustified in such a summation because you genuinely may think your rose tastes like kerosene.

Because of the above, it's quite easy to sound like a pro without actually knowing what you're talking about. Simply read the wine press; you'll be able to relatively quickly assemble a lexicon of wine-related adjectives. When you need to appear knowledgeable, just thread an appropriate blend of these words together and - hey presto! - you're James Halliday. Admittedly, there is some art to this - a phoney needs to know which descriptors match each variety. For example, you'll look like a turd to most if you describe a steely riesling as "cloying", or an oaked Chardonnay as "herbacious".

Anyway, I've digressed. The point is it's the constant talking, talking, talking about wine at these industry pissups that has turned me into an implacable wine mute. Now I just drink the stuff, come home, pass out on the couch and wake up at four in the morning, dehydrated. Now that's living!

Latham's Legacy

2006-09-20T11:09:00.000+08:00

My mate Steve is heading overseas indefinitely today, so last night we had an enormous curry blitzer at a restaurant near his house to mark the occasion. Since I'm on about Mark, over dinner Steve made the point that the ALP deserve to lose the next election for no other reason than because they chose Latham to lead them through the last. And you know what; he's absolutely bloody right! Ignore Kim Beazley's efforts to fuck up Labor's election chances (his unilateral decision to scrap AWAs is going to come back to haunt him in a big way) - the ALP should be denied government for the one and only reason that it wasn't so long ago that its then partyroom (which is almost identical to today's) thought an unstable, duplicitous madman was an appropriate choice to lead this country. After displaying judgement like that, who would award these people government without first forcing upon them a lengthy spell in the post-Latham wilderness to reflect on their stupidity? On the strength of the Latham debacle alone, the ALP deserves to lose the next election. And probably the subsequent one, too.

(Inspired to write via post at Blair's)

Take That, Lizard King! (And Morrissey)

2006-09-19T16:33:00.000+08:00

Here is the antidote to my post of yesterday; the lyrics to TISM's spoken word masterpiece, Morrison Hotel.

Jimbo, boy, you're a crock of shit
You're a boozed selfish thug
Why don't you give your mouth a go
And in the other hole put a plug

By Christ you've got a long, long way
On a schoolboy's talent with words
One crappy bit of symbolism
And you're adored by an army of turds

You're a selfish, rude, arrogant prick
You're basically pretty stupid
Your mysticism's a lump of shit
And so are all the girls you've rooted

So don't talk about being sad and lonely
or fucking misunderstood
'cause underneath that self-pitying phoney
Is a selfish, brutal hood

I support the police that took you off stage
I support the fact you bled
I support the cops who carried you off
I support the fact you're dead

I think that you're a troubled guy
And I think that's nothing new
I think your fans are a bunch of turds
Almost as immature as you

And when I'm in my supermarket
And some prick pushes in front of my trolley
I'll be reminded of your stinking bravado
And I'll ask the cunt to say sorry

Your fans would excuse every rudeness
Just 'cause it comes from you
You'd tell them to go drop dead
And they'd say "oh how true, how true, how true"

You need a nine-to-five job, Jimbo
You need to get to Flinders Street by train
Go and find yourself a regular income
Then you can write a song about pain

Try and save for the kiddie's school fees
Take some care when you drive a car
Put your goddamn rubbish in a bin
You fucking great rock superstar

You have spawned a host of cock-sure shits
That are nearly always filthy rich
And think 'cause they're a little like ol' Jimbo
They can act like stinking pricks

An army of brainless arty youth
They look down upon us common plods
But they barrack for good ol' Morrison
Like the fucking Richmond cheer squad

So when you're listening to Morrisons Hostel
And Jimbo, he's in top form
Whining about this harsh cruel world
And the fact he was ever born

Remember his fans are rapt
And brooding over their suffering lives
And go to discuss it at 'Thrash and Treasure'
At least if daddy will drive

Jimbo. King of the private school kids
The girls from PLC who identify with his tortured soul
'cause they've just dropped boyfriend number three
He was Kent from Xavier College,
In HSC he got an A for English
But between Jimbo and William Blake
He hasn't the fucking brains to distinguish

Jimbo. Father of a generation of private school depression idols
From Nick Cave on they don't kill themselves
Just tell us why they're suicidal
He has made self pity legitimate
It means we'll have to face
One after another, artists with integrity
Like 'REO Speedwagon'.

Sorry, I meant 'Hugo Race'

Well, up your arse, Jimbo ol' man, up your fucking hole
You are a prick. pure and simple.
It's about time you were told
And up your arse to all your fans
Up your arse to your tortured artistic hell
And while we're fucking at it,
Up your arse to Morrissey as well
Up your arse to Robert Smith,
Up your arse to Albert Camus
All those "I'm suffering for my art"-y types
Jimbo, I blame them all on you

And everyone who handles life's pain
With a token of mature self-examination,
It's time these ponces were told to stick it
Up their bogus self-enfatuation

But if you're after true self-indulgence
Then the conclusions still aren't final
'cause if you thought Jim Morisson was a wanker,
Well, Christ, you've just bought this fucking bit of vinyl!

Up Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo
Up Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo
Up Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo
Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo
Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo
Up Jimbo, Jimbo...

Now. Seeing as I'm on about music and (tangentially) dead rockers, has anyone heard that new INXS tune? It was on the radio at work today. It must be said that I've never been much of a fan of INXS's style, but at their height they put out some pretty damn good pop. This new single of theirs, featuring the Michael Hutchence replacement, is being hyped as a return to their glory days. GET YOUR HAND OFF IT! The new single sucks harder than a Dyson; boring, derivative, INXS-lite dross. The end.

And that's the first and last time INXS will be discussed on this blog. By me, anyway.

Worst Lyrics Ever Redux

2006-09-18T17:34:00.000+08:00

I've been having some fun with the commentariat over at Samizdata - we've been trying to pick out the worst song lyrics ever written. However, a recent comment on the thread there made me realise I had nominated the wrong tune (the utterly dire Lady [Hear Me Tonight] by Modjo). Morrissey released an album a couple of years ago with a song on it that can only be described as shocking. Shocking, because I'd never have imagined that such vomitous adolescent lyrics could be written by a grown man. So here they are, reproduced for you! I have highlighted (accordingly) the parts where I quite literally cringed at what I consider to be the most appalling perversions of the poetic language/the lamest, soppiest, most hackneyed and tedious themes in the song, but cringe or no, it's all awful self-indulgent wank on a scale impressive even for a tosser like Morrissey. The title is a dead giveaway, for starters:

How Can Anybody Possibly Know How I Feel?

She told me she loved me
which means
she must be insane
I’ve had my face dragged in
fifteen miles of shit
and I do not / and I do not
and I do not like it
so how can anybody say
they know how I feel?
the only one around here who is me
is me

They said they respect me
which means
their judgment is crazy
I’ve had my face dragged in
fifteen miles of shit
and I do not / and I do not
and I do not like it
so how can anybody say
they know how I feel?
when they are they
and only I am I

He says he wants to befriend me
which means
he can’t possibly know me
the voices of the real
and the imagined cry:
“the future is passing you by
the future is passing you by.”
so how can anybody possibly think they
know how I feel?
everybody look / see pain /walk away
and as for you in your uniform
your smelly uniform
and so you think you can be rude to me
because you wear a uniform
a smelly uniform
and so you think you can be rude to me
but even I / as sick as I am
I would never be you
even I / as sick as I am
I would never be you
even I / sick and depraved
a traveler to the grave
I would never be you

Oh god, it's so bad. Why doesn't this guy just do us a favour and end it all now?

If you have some lyrics that can out-plumb Morrissey's depths, please mention in comments.

No Accounting For Taste...

2006-09-17T15:16:00.000+08:00

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