Those Hyundai Drivers

I am working on a large-ish China analysis. In the meantime, please enjoy this photo.

Click to enlarge image

(Seen on Needs To Be Glassed)

I'm Back!

Infrequent posts. Poor writing. Boring topics. Falling readership.

Expect more of the above.

PS. Comments are no longer moderated.

PPS. Is anyone else having problems uploading photos to Blogger.com?

PPPS. No, it's just my incompetence.

Merry Consumption Day!

Eat and drink more! No turkey here, sadly.

Bah! Humbug!

Merry Christmas to y'all...

A Chinese Wedding

We've been invited to a Chinese wedding! I've already smoked two horrible Chinese cigarettes that they're handing out, and we're off to a banquet. The bride is pretty hot. Damn.

Christmas In China

I just had my usual breakfast of fried rice at a restaurant in the beautiful old city of Lijiang in Yun'nan province. It was especially good because I was able to drench the rice in my all-time favourite condiment, Tabasco sauce, until the rice ran red with spicy goodness. A happy start to the day.

The staff were very friendly, and I appreciated the ersatz Christmas atmosphere greatly. I was greeted by a waitress who flaunted a third of her English lexicon upon my arrival - "Merry Christmas". If you're curious, the other two thirds of her vocab consisted of "hello", "bye-bye", "OK" and "no". More than you need, really.

Then the music started. If China's economy is described as "Socialism with Chinese characteristics", then I guess the music could be perfectly termed "Jingle Bells with Chinese characteristics". The first version of that irritating tune was more or less traditional, although the female vocalist clearly didn't speak English.

Jing-Ah Behs Jing-Ah Behs

Jing-Ah Ah Da Weh

Oh Wah Fahn it iz tah rahd

In ah wahn haas opin slaah

Pretty normal stuff so far, then. Until the next track - Jingle Bells. Same vocalist, but the Chinese techno remix. Then Chinese Hawaiian theme. Then part drum'nbass, part ambient Jingle Bells remix. I don't know how they managed to pull that off. Anyway, for once I agree with that murdering communist bastard Mao - "there is much disharmony under heaven; the situation is excellent!"

And it is. It's about time someone pulled the piss out of Christmas, and the Chinese are doing it brilliantly. Of course I don't expect them to perfectly replicate the festive season - in fact I love their version of it. It's hilarious. As a soul much drawn towards humbuggery, I am feeling more festive than ever. The vast majority of the Chinese don't give a crap about Christmas's spiritual connotations - unlike us, they call a spade a spade and openly use it as a catalyst for consumption. As though they need anymore impetus to consume, but I digress. More consumption; that's what I like to see and that's worth celebrating. Merry Christmas, China! I hope you enjoy the festive season all year round.

Why I'm Moderating Comments

For those who missed my last post on this issue, I'm temporarily moderating comments whilst in China so I can see what people are commenting. China blocks Blogspot blogs (although not blogger.com), so I can't see what y'all are saying without the moderation. When I get home, I will disable moderation.

The Greatest RWDB Of Them All!

In the aim of further enhancing my attractiveness to all the cute lefty girls I come across, last night I went all the way in terms of sheer imperious Western indifference and kicked a beggar child in the stomach.

Fine print:

• This happened in Sanlitun street, Beijing's premier and somewhat seedy nightspot. It's infamous for its rabid beggars. A Chinese friend told me that begging there is quite a profitable enterprise - many of the beggars are country folk who spend a year in the city begging, then go back home and buy a house with their savings. Pitying the beggars on Sanlitun is a difficult feat for anyone who's spent more than a week in Beijing.
  
• I didn't actually kick him; I had my hands full and the child grabbed me as I was jumping into a cab. I used my foot to ease him and his mother away from the taxi door so I could shut it.

Of course, I don't need to mention that when in full-fledged O'Reilly mode.

Learning Chinese Is Fucking Difficult

To illustrate my point, let me reproduce the blurb of a knockoff version of that fine movie, XXX 2 - The Next Level that I found floating around the guesthouse I'm currently staying at. I imagine the English blurb was translated into Chinese on the kosher version, and the enterprising pirates have used something like this to translate the Chinese back into English. The result is:

Fill the right bower lousy play of national security bureau especially the work glowth continues to look for and train the new detective still, the target that he favor this time is the Cuba, their this mission wants to deal with a small stir the hijacker who be constitute by the former personnel of the special forces, this person trains to have the vegetable, The cruel hand is hot, they intent to want to launch the mutiny in the capital city, overthrowing the American government....

Please decipher. A caveat emptor - if you decipher plausibly, I will assume you have actually watched XXX 2: The Next Level and think less of you.

Back to Beijing

I've come in from the cold and am back in Beijing. -3 feels balmy compared to -34. Despite the dizzying lows, I still haven't fulfilled my ambition to see snow - proper, thick snow, that is - the snowfall in Mongolia has arrived very late this year. Typical!

I wish I could go and hang out with this dude. I'm not so far away - maybe I should jump on a plane?

Last Night

Beer. Vodka. Restaurant. Taxi.

The Collective nightclub.

Refused entry until headgear removed, revealing supposedly deep-pocketed Westerners.

Supposedly deep-pocketed Westerners enter, disappointing club owners by buying the cheapest alcohol available. The dusty bottle of Moet and Chandon is put back up on the bar shelf.

More vodka.

Russians and Mongolians going the biffo on the dance floor - a rumbling, rolling ball of alcohol and testosterone that slowly made its way to the exit. I include the shrewish middle-aged Russian woman in the testosterone category. She appeared to be causing all the problems, by constantly lunging at the Mongolian toughs, her shrill voice reverberating throughout the room. Until she was punched, that is. Russians are crazy.

More vodka.

Arse pinched by a Mongolian man who winked at me when I turned around to flare up at him and his buddies. Having witnessed the Russian rout, I thought it prudent not to make a big deal out of this beastly imposition.

Lots of bad dancing to even worse music. Lots of fun. Received stares of utter disbelief from others sharing the dancefloor when I handed out bottles of water to the party I was with. Who drinks water?

Running low on the tugrogs (Mongolian currency). Most Mongolians struggle to give change for a 10000 tugrog note - their highest denomination, worth about AU$12. I'm not sure how they'll cope if I pass a US$100 bill. Taxi. Home. Bed. Pass out.

INTERNATIONAL SCOOP!

George Bush visited Mongolia recently - his arrival on the Steppes was the biggest thing since...well...when the Steppes came to Vienna a few years ago. Not much of a big deal for the rest of the world. However, what's this I read in The Economist, pray tell?

THERE was plenty on President George Bush's plate during his trip to Asia, from discussing religious freedom with China's leaders to drinking fermented mares' milk in Mongolia.

This fermented mare's milk is called airag, and it has an alcoholic strength of about 3%. Hang on a minute... does this mean...?

GEORGE BUSH FELL OFF THE WAGON IN MONGOLIA!

Somebody call Michael Moore.

Can I Trust You Guys With Anything?

I leave the country for just a few weeks, and independent media collapses in my absence!

Icy Beijing

It's FUCKING COLD here. -9 degrees. A lot of ice on the ground, but no snow yet. I'm heading off to Mongolia tomorrow for a few days, so that will really test out my chill tolerance. I bought a genuine People's Liberation Army greatcoat from an army surplus store, which totally rocks and keeps me nice'n'toasty. And a fluffy hat and a PLA beret. Superstylin'. Pictures to follow.

UPDATE: It reached a *maximum* of -8 celsius today.

Physical Condition

Spirit - sound.

Muscle tone - geriatric.

Bone density - firm.

Stool status - triumphantly firm.

Bone structure - trendily Nordic.

Shoe structure - trendily Nordic.

Profound Observations

Great Things About China:

• The Wall
• The Nice Toilets
• Cheap (if a bit bland) beer
• The driving is absolutely chaotic - merging at a roundabout often involves one car straddling three lanes - but no one gets road rage. A battle hardened cabbie will give a dawdling pedestrian or a slow-responding traffic light sitter a stern horn-lashing with an absolutely emotionless demeanour. I like that; why take shitty driving personally?
• People like Westerners, because we are all absolutely crazy. They are generally very helpful and kind because they feel sorry for us lunatics.
• If I'm the guest the host pays for everything. The flipside is, of course, if they come and visit me I'm screwed - they expect the same kind of treatment. Never mind; I gave out fake e-mails.

Not-So-Great Things About China:

• The Nasty Toilets. Privacy is frequently a low priority - rows of squatting white bums greet you when you walk into many a public toilet.
• The spitting - we were eating dinner at a Beijing restaurant and one of the patrons insisted on elaborately and deafeningly expectorating on the floor constantly throughout the meal. Didn't eat that much that night.
• A lot of squawky loudspeakers in malls.
• A highly obnoxious mobile phone culture. No ringtone is too lame, no call is worth dodging. Hu Jintao will interrupt a televised live national address to take a call from his drycleaner. Mobiles are powered by nuclear cells so they run out of juice every 10000 years - an insufferable imposition for most.

More to follow.