Christmas In China

I just had my usual breakfast of fried rice at a restaurant in the beautiful old city of Lijiang in Yun'nan province. It was especially good because I was able to drench the rice in my all-time favourite condiment, Tabasco sauce, until the rice ran red with spicy goodness. A happy start to the day.

The staff were very friendly, and I appreciated the ersatz Christmas atmosphere greatly. I was greeted by a waitress who flaunted a third of her English lexicon upon my arrival - "Merry Christmas". If you're curious, the other two thirds of her vocab consisted of "hello", "bye-bye", "OK" and "no". More than you need, really.

Then the music started. If China's economy is described as "Socialism with Chinese characteristics", then I guess the music could be perfectly termed "Jingle Bells with Chinese characteristics". The first version of that irritating tune was more or less traditional, although the female vocalist clearly didn't speak English.

Jing-Ah Behs Jing-Ah Behs

Jing-Ah Ah Da Weh

Oh Wah Fahn it iz tah rahd

In ah wahn haas opin slaah

Pretty normal stuff so far, then. Until the next track - Jingle Bells. Same vocalist, but the Chinese techno remix. Then Chinese Hawaiian theme. Then part drum'nbass, part ambient Jingle Bells remix. I don't know how they managed to pull that off. Anyway, for once I agree with that murdering communist bastard Mao - "there is much disharmony under heaven; the situation is excellent!"

And it is. It's about time someone pulled the piss out of Christmas, and the Chinese are doing it brilliantly. Of course I don't expect them to perfectly replicate the festive season - in fact I love their version of it. It's hilarious. As a soul much drawn towards humbuggery, I am feeling more festive than ever. The vast majority of the Chinese don't give a crap about Christmas's spiritual connotations - unlike us, they call a spade a spade and openly use it as a catalyst for consumption. As though they need anymore impetus to consume, but I digress. More consumption; that's what I like to see and that's worth celebrating. Merry Christmas, China! I hope you enjoy the festive season all year round.